Moving in a Few Weeks – fences

Well, I’m moving in a few weeks.  I admit I am still on the fence.  I do still love him – but I know this is the right thing to do.  For both of us.

The shrink I saw said his acting in, his not working his steps, his loathing of shrinks means he doesn’t want to get well at this point in time.  She said he needs to hit rock bottom.

Enough of him though…now it’s about me.  I love the way we are when we’re together and loathe the way we are when we’re apart.  I loathe the baggage – and more specifically, I loathe the way I feel when I’mwith him.  I don’t feel sexy, wanted, like a woman – I am his Mother, his roomate, his glue.  I need to look after me now.  Get well and lose the emotional baggage – and now I have a ton.  Trying to imagine not be jealous, not looking for those “SA signs”, wondering if I’ll be bored without the intense drama that’s wrapped my psyche for what seems like 30 years (only 1.5 years).

He’s afraid there’s no one to police him.  I asked what his plan is…he has none.  Enough said.

I will keep blogging here – I’ve had over 40,000 people visit this blog since I started it June 08.  I don’t blog very often now and that number just shows that there are a lot of people like us.

 

5 Quick Things I’ve Proud of This Year (in terms of being with sex addict)

Bob’s the sex addict and I am his GF – not a co-sex addict (I do not share his addiction) and not codependent.  I am just a girl, who found a boy, who had a problem and hid it exceedingly well.

1. For the past few months, maybe longer, I have stopped looking at women jealously.  There was a time where everywhere I looked, adn I mean everywhere, I only saw women who were better than me.  They may be prettier, thinner, better eyelashes, funnier, smarter – whatever.  I’m not gay, but I couldn’t stop looking at women.  I objectified them.  I’m done with that, like the headache that drove you nuts and then somehow, somewhere vanished.
2. I’ve stopped wondering if Bob’s ok and all of a sudden looked in the mirror and thought, “is this what I want?”  I’ve assessed my life and our situation.  I realize I’m unhappy and I’m leaving, but it’s not the sex addiction that’s driving me away.  It’s the cause of the addiction – a fear of intimacy.  I feel alone in a relationship – no intimacy at all.
3. I’ve stopped obsessing about Lisa (Lisa was a married hairdresser from Buffalo and drove over the border to have sex with my BF who she met in a cybersex chat room – she is obviously a sex addict to put herself at risk like that.  She also gave me pre-cancer causing HPV – via Bob) .  I still hate her, truth be told, but she does not enter my mind every hour.  I possibly think about her once a months.
4. I’m pretty sure I’ve forgiven Bob – not forgotten (I really wish I could).  It’s either forgiveness or possibly denial that it happened, but I concentrate more on why he can’t be intimate with me and less about what he’s done in the past.  I guess I’ve made the connection between most addictions coming from the same insecure and non-intimate place that his acting out really had nothing to do with me.
5. I think I’m worth it again.  I do not feel like I’m entrenched in mud and slowly flailing around looking for signs that I’m not crazy.  I’m not.  The situation was and I was broadsided – whomped with a large stick and once I tired to get up I was whomped again.  I feel attractive (still fat) but overall I think I’m not ugly nor plain.  Thank goodness that’s coming back, I joined weight watchers to get back on track.  Lose the 40 lbs that this grief awarded.  So I’m doing something.  A year ago I couldn’t leave the house and ate myself into a carb-induced oblivion.

My advice to anyone struggling…it does get better, there is some sort of light.  I remember someone told me when I started this that I did not hav eto make a decision right then, that the decision would come to me at some point.  While I prevaricate between staying or leaving still, I’m 20%/80%, I know that I am unhealthy in every way and that I need to rejuvinate and find the me that existed 3 1/2 years ago.

I’m angry, bitter and hurt, I now have baggage, I see the world and relationships so differently – I am on my guard.  I just feel cold and standoffish.  I’m not getting my needs met here.  It’s not Bob’s fault, he simply doesn’t know how to be intimate or to meet my needs.  Even when I tell him what they are, he just thinks I want him to change and then it begins again – his self-doubt.  I’m doing him no favors by staying – my shrink told me so.  He’s not ready to understand and deal with the issues.  In fairness, he has more willpower than I, he has white knuckled it for over 1.5 years – not even masturbated – and we’ve only had sex twice this year (long time ago).  It must be hard for him, but I really don’t know.  The strangers in SLAA likely know Bob better than I do – they could likely tell me, but what’s the point?  He won’t share with me so why do I want to know.

All I know is the person I believed I was in a relationship with doesn’t exist and the person I am in a relationship is a tightly locked Brinks Truck.  There is nothing I can do to help at all – the only thing I could do to help him is leave.  Maybe then he’ll want to get help, maybe he’ll fall off the wagon  – I don’t know.  One thing I do know is that I’m not really that angry anymore and that I do hope to remain friends.  I do still love Bob for a lot of reasons. 

I know implicitly that he didn’t do this to hurt me and he didn’t want this addiction, it did sneak up on him and he should be proud of his will power.  I just wish I could shake all of his hurt out of him and hug him…I can’t he has to do it on his own.

If he falls off the wagon, I’m not sure how I’ll feel, but one thing I do know is the next year is all about me.

Imago test great for partners of sex addicts and sex addicts alike, well everyone really

Shrink says I’m not co-dependent – I never really thought I was, but I had some doubts.  Woohoo…she says I’m just traumatized and that with some personal work I could get over this too. 

She gave me homework called Imago and stated that you didn’t have to have had an “abused”  childhood to do it.  She said it may be painful and that most people get something out of it.  I certainly got a lot out of it – I came from what I deem to be a normal, british family.  I qualify British (I’ve lived in North America, most of my life) because it is an inherent part of my culture – not to speak unless spoken too, children should be seen not heard, we never talk about feelings).  I looked online for the test and couldn’t find it – so I will transcribe mine here.  I’ll also tell you what I learned.

Finding Your Imago Test

Introduction:  In a relaxed and safe state, recall your childhood memories of your caretakers.  It is important that you think as a chold and recall your caretakers as they were when you were a child and not as they are today.  Create a basic chart. On the top , list the positive characteristics of each caretaker (B). On the bottom, list the negative characteristics and put an (A). Use adjectives such as, warm, strong, cold, distant, and/or use phrases such as never there, always there, not dependable, not available emotionally.

Here’s my example:

(B) (the positive characteristics):

Female                                                 Male

Kind & giving                                     Dependable

Dependable                                        Intelligent

Always There                                    Structured

Dutiful

(A.)  (Negative characteristics)

Female                                                Male

Manipulative                                    Emotionally unavailable

Own Agenda                                      Cold

Never There  Emotionally           Insular

Invasive/disrespectful                 Dutiful

Controlling                                         Denial

                                                                 Critical

                                                                  Never there emotionally

 

(C.)  What I wanted most as a child was: ___________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

(mine: a sense of belonging, interested in my needs and wants, trust, a belief in my abilities, a guide to the future, dependable and routine/structure, independence, closeness, love, respect, basic needs, emotional stability)

Childhood Frustrations

Create 2 columns one called frustrations and the other called response(s).  List any recurring childhood frustrations such as “did not get listened to” “no one knew I was being hurt” ‘had to take care of parents or siblings”.  On the right, list how you responded to these frustrations.  This should be how you felt AND your behavioural response (i.e. what you did.).

Frustrations                                                        Response(s) – (E)

(mine)

Controlled                                                                 felt stiffled so I rebelled and manipulated

Not Heard                                                                  my vote never counted, so I internalized

My family showed no emotion                          found solace with friends – hid my emotions with family

 Felt lonely                                                                 no intimacy. felt alone, independent, outside friendships important

Manipulated                                                              manipulated back, argued, internalized, controlled      

Positive Childhood Memories

Create the same chart as frustrations, but label the headings memories (left) and then feelings (right)  (D).

List your positive childhood memories.  This can be specific memories such as “going to the shore in 1960″ or “the annual picnic at grandma’s house.” On the right, list the feelings you associated with each memory.

Memories                                                                            Feelings (D)

(mine)

I have none – which I’m exploring.  However, I don’t have any bad memories either.  I have issues remembering my childhood.  No abuse, just unclear as to why.  We used to sing in the car, play games, read books – really normal kid stuff, but I don’t remember them exactly.  Hard to explain.

So then you come up with the analysis/statement

My Imago

Using the information above from finding your imago and childhood frustrations/positive memories sheets complete the sentences below:  The letters in parentheses (letters) correspond to these and tell you from where to transcribe the information:

I am trying to get a person who is (A)_____________________________transcribe from (a – negative characteristics)__________________________________________________________________

To always be (B) _____________________________________________transcribe from (b- positive characteristics)__________________________________________________________________

So that I can get (C)___________________________________________(c – what i wanted most as a child)___________________________________________________________________________

And feel (D)_________________________________________________(d – feelings from positive childhood experiences)_____________________________________________________________

I stop myself from getting this sometimes by (E)____________________(e- responses to childhood experiences) _____________________________________________________________________

It’s really quite amazing what you learn about yourself.  I’ll write another post about what I personally learned.

Here’s a short online test – it puts in the answers and groups your caretakers as a whole (I personally think taking the time to write yours out before doing this because it puts words in your mouth): http://66.113.180.235/Carol/partner.cfm

 

Here’s a clinical paper if you want to learn more about Imago: http://www.helpforrelationships.org/docs/Imago%20and%20Research.pdf

 ’The purpose of marriage is to finish your childhood. And if you finish your childhood, you will live happily every after.” “What I know for Sure,” Oprah magazine, March 2002, page 216. Signed by Oprah Winfrey.

HPV, Pre-cancer round 2

I forgot to write a post about this so I’ll sum it up here.  As you may be aware I contracted HPV, human papilloma virus – genital warts (i don’t have warts), from Bob and had a LEEP procedure to remove the precancer in my cervix back in Feb/March.

Well 3 months later I went back to ensure that the cells had gone back to normal.  I found out your cervix grows back.  But that mine had the precancer again.

I had to go through another traumatizing removal of part of my cervix again. 

I go in a few weeks to see if this time the cells are normal in my cervix.  This time they better be!  Dammit!

FOR ALL SEX ADDICTS OUT THERE – HPV IS SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT, ORAL, INTERCOURSE, ANAL, ANYTHING CAN EXPOSE YOU TO THIS.  IT IS NOT BASED ON FLUIDS BUT SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT.  CONDOMS DO NOT PROTECT YOU OR YOUR OTHER PARTNERS FROM THIS – THERE IS SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT OUTSIDE OF THE CONDOM.  I COULD DIE IF I DON’T GET CHECKED EVERY 6 MONTHS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Permission to be confused

 I went to one on one therapy last week.  My brain is driving me nuts..what should I do?  Why am I so weak?  Why would I want my friends to leave their partners if they were in this situation and yet I can’t?  Am I making a mistake leaving?  Are my expectations too high (sex addiction aside)?  Why was I attracted to a sex addict?  How did I not know?  How will I know the next time?  Will my jealousy always be like this?  How will I ever trust? Why am I still so confused? 

So the shrink had a great comment.  She said, “It’s like this…you said it was the best relationship you ever had, you bought a house together with the right expectations, you had hope for the future based on your relationship that far.  You had reasonable expectations – knowing that it wasn’t going to be all white picket fences.  Then two months in everything you thought about Bob, everything you thought about the relationship, everything you had hoped for was jerked away and you were stood in the middle of an intersection with cars swirling past you in all directions.”

“Everything you hoped for – gone…but guess what, “you still wanted to believe that there was hope and the person you knew was in there and you have grieved the loss of what you knew and what you hoped for – you’re still grieving.”

Then she said something that really hit home…anyone in your shoes would be confused, anyone in your shoes would be shocked and anyone in your shoes would be where you are right now – it;s completely normal to be confused and when you’re ready, there will be some clarity – don’t rush it.”

She gave me permission to be confused and that helped – I was so completely angry at myself for always standing on the precipice for the past year and a half.  For hoping things would be ok, for hoping I would make a decision on whether to stay or leave, on what I felt, if I should trust my intuition, my thoughts and feelings.

It’s good I still feel hope in any regard.  This must mean that I haven’t lost myself entirely – but what I learned is that it’s completely ok that I’m  confused.

Undecided, confused and finally getting therapy

Well…so here’s the thing…

I found a house, accepted it and the landlords were VERY nice people.  Thought the house isn’t great, but I can decorate it and it’s my own space.  I was supposed to give them cheques and I panicked – tears gushing, sobs, insecurity, complete and utter confusion, and all of a sudden I realized something.

I have blamed Bob for everything – for my weight gain, for my financial situation, for my complete and utter misery, for my lack of a sex life and a lot more.  I realized that I have not been intimate with him in any way either apart from bitching, nagging, microscoping/snooping and blaming.  It’s been tense – crazy tense and he is not the only cause.

I was completely together, cold and disjointed and now I allowed emotion to creep in and I’m shocked to see the bitch looking back at me.  Now, I’m confused – unsure what to do.

My friends say I have rejection issues and a whole lot of other issues.  Not sure why the rejection, but I was ok moving out until Bob said he was ready for me to move out too – then the panic.  They may be on to something.  My friends also said that once the challenge is gone, I get bored and move on.  It’’s more like I would never want to be a member of a club who would have me as a member.  I definately don’t think I’m co-dependent, but I do think I have heavy issues.  It’s been more like an even keeled summer so I could be bored.  Who knows?  But I’m going to find out…and I’m not leaving.  I’m mad at myself for the indecision and I need to bring in a professional.

I’ve booked therapy – one on one next week and I’ve resolved to stop snooping and I’m going to go to weight watchers to lose the 40 lbs and I’m planning to reconnect with my friends, properly.  Go out more.

For all the partners out there I have to say that Bob hasn’t acted out in the past year and a half (since he got caught) – not even masturbation.  He is strong willed and he really values his group.  He was sceptical at first.

We’ll see how things go.  I need to fix me before anything else.

Sad.

I’m sad today.  I’ve started to look for places to live.  I’m sad because I can’t find anything with wow factor.  I guess it’s hard to go from home owner to -at the landlord’s mercy – renter again.

I’m sad because Bob can’t be the person I want him to be or the person I thought he was.  Bob does entertain me, he is kind and sweet and really looks after me in a lot of ways.   However, I’ve told him my needs.  I need affection, I need emotional intimacy, I need to feel like a girlfriend and not a Mother/Sister.  I even told him that I was thinking about someone else.  All I get is complacency.  All I wanted was for him to step up to the plate and engage – not just white knuckle his addiction and his feelings.

Poo.

Interestingly I’m not leaving cause of his acting out – but because of his acting in.  Tears now…write more later

Textbook Partner of Sex Addict – On The Cusp of my Own Affair

I have reconnected with someone I used to know.  All of the books I’ve read show that there is a large number of partners of sex addicts that have affairs.  I am possibly on the cusp of being that person.  I feel guilty and don’t know if I can go through with it.  But I think about it – I think about him – and I think about Bob.

It would be so physically easy to have an affair – if there’s a will there’s a way.  I know he’s interested. I do actually get asked out a lot.  Since Bob’s addiction has reared it’s head – May 08 – I haven’t even looked at another man, let alone thought about getting to know someone.  I should preface that by saying that I haven’t really looked at another man since we met – Aug 06.

In fact the men that have stared at me, asked me out or flirted with me I’ve felt really disgusted about.  It’s not they they were unattractive or smelly – I just thought, they were all deviants and all they wanted was sex.  I see the world differently post addiction.

Now this new guy, we’ll call James, has confused the hell out of me.  I wonder about the greener grass – what life would be like without a partner’s sexual addiction, without wondering if my partner is remotely attracted to me (we’ve had sex twice since Feb – sexual anorexia?  Non attracted?), – I guess I wonder about a fresh start.  It would be nice to not feel like a bitch, like super sleuth and really get on with my life and return back to confident, nice me.  I treat him like crap – I don’t mean to, but I hurt, my mind swims and I have more and more questions.  (I still don’t get it.) And I feel horrible for being that person.

This affair cusp has really thrown me for a loop emotionally.  I could possibly try to live a double life if my damn conscience wasn’t on board.  Knowing that it could be so easy is also really emotionally traumatizing in the fact that for all I know Bob is still acting out and never stopped.  I think about both of them and I weigh them both on a scale.

I wonder if I’m looking for the way out.  Truth is I’m unsure if I really like this guy or if it’s the fact that he’s really nice to me.  That he pays me attention.  That he could be someone that wouldn’t cheat or hurt me.  Then I think maybe he will be an addict too – the books say that you have a type and I never want to meet an addict again.

Or maybe I’m looking for an answer to get out of this. I haven’t met this guy in 20 years and I’m not certain if I’m even attracted to him or if it simply feels like a new/old friend – who pays attention to me.  Bob I guess is more involved with himself and I feel emotionally and physically neglected. 

 The other thing is that I have a sexually transmitted disease that Bob gave me, the strain of cancer causing HPV – that condoms don’t protect so it’s skin to skin.  Whoever I sleep with going forward must be told.  They could get it and pass it on.  I don’t want to be responsible for someone else going through the surgeries I’ve had or worse.

I also don’t want to lead James on – I’ve been honest with him completely about my situation.  About where I am mentally.  About my living arrangements, etc.  He says, “there’s no rush.”  He is really lovely and understanding.

What I should do is stop talking to him, stop thinking about him and really just try and figure out this mess, get mentally healthy and then do something – leave and get my own place or stay and work this out.

Affairs are not the answer.  The angst I have felt since reconnecting with James may not be worth it.  On the upside it’s made my self esteem better, made me look at Bob and appreciate some things, and I’m losing some of the 40 lbs I’ve gained in the past year.  I don’t want to hurt anybody  - James or Bob.

I’m lost

I don’t know if I can ever forgive Bob for what he’s done.  Perhaps an affair isn’t the answer right now, but maybe it is.  I feel so holed up in this mire of someone else’s addiction – it’s nice to feel a breath of fresh air.

Thoughts?

Partner of sex addict, “Can I be any more confused?”

Dammit, I’m so confused.  I have no idea who I am anymore, truly and I’m not the damned sex addict.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but I am trying to come to a conclusion.  I haven’t left, but I want to – I haven’t stayed emotionally, but I want to…what the heck???

I was an impulsive person – always made decisions – wrong ones on occassion, but at least I sh*t or got off.  No I’m just floating in there. Like crap. Beside crap.

Here’s the thing.  I do not know if I stay in this relationship for the right reasons. I do REALLY enjoy Bob’s company.  However, we’ve only had sex twice (and not great) since my first surgery (for the pre-cancer gained from his affair – thanks for the HPV STD) in Feb or March.  I had surgery again a couple of weeks ago – it came back and they removed even more of my cervix.  So sex was out for 6 weeks.

The sex isn’t the big deal.  In fact I don’t even know if I want him to touch me anyway.  There is no touching, pretty much, now.  No hugs, kisses, hand on the shoulder – nothing.  I get no affection. None for days.

I think we’ve turned into roomates.  He thinks he has sexual anorexia.  When we met he massaged my back for about an hour every night for months and months.  Now, I can’t remember the last time.  I bring it up all the time – he says the reason he doesn’t touch me is becasue it’s work.  I kid you not.  After everything he thinks making me feel good is work.

So as my silver tongue snarks, “You spent how much time arranging and going to see Lisa (the slut he had an affair with), spent hundreds of hours a month for 2 years seeking out women and cybersexing, chatting on the phone, etc.  THAT WASN”T WORK!  But, rubbing my back is.”

Plus my back is hurting because I have my period with half a f’in cervix – the second time round surgery hurts a hell of a lot more than the first and you can’t have a hot bath for 3 weeks after.

So back to my point.  I was asked out a couple of weeks ago.  I thought about it.  I thought two things.  I have a “get out of jail free card” – what could he say if I had an affair?  Then I thought about my old “living on my own life” and thought I should just leave – this isn’t what I want from my life.

So I feel like we’re roommates, there’s no affection, I’m not even certain he is attracted to me, and for the first time in a long time I’m interested in other men, I see men again and not just the women around me.  But, he is good to me in a lot of ways and we are great companions.

So here’s a bit of dilemma and why I’m confused about me…

In the past usually around the 3rd year I lose interest and go through this same mental state (this is the third guy I’ve lived with) – should I stay or go?  Then…with the sex addiction I can justify it.  But then I feel guilty – I know he’s a mess and I know he can’t afford the house on his own.  Then I think what if I get a bigger loser next time?  What is wrong with me that I attract losers?  How the hell will I ever trust?

I have no issue with being single – I liked my life, I liked my own pkace and yes, while there are lonely moments – I have fond memories of it.  But I never want to be in this mental place ever again.  So do I turn into a lifelong spinster?  Do I become the definition of jealousy (oh wait I already am) with someone new?  What the hell.

The guy that asked me out is really nice – was I thinking about it because he gave me the attention I crave, “please think I’m pretty, please think I’m special” – or do I genuinely like him or am I looking for an exit?

Argggggggggghhhh…maddening

PLus, the worst part is I feel guilty for even thinking about it or talking to him.

I’m soooo confused.  Where did decisive me go?  How can one person ruin me?  How did I let it happen?

Then I think, what would that guy think if he knew I stayed with a sex addict for over a year after I found out, after he gave me pre-cancer, after he has sucked me into his debts…

duh

All the stages of grief, all the time & it does get easier

Well, the last year has taken me through all the stages of grief.  Every hour of pretty much everyday.  I have been obsessed with his sex addiction.  I’ve tried to piece together every moment of our relationship – still not understanding how the person I thought was happy was really entranced in addiction.

I guess a part of me currently lives in denial.  I still can’t emotionally believe 100% that he had the affair, that he was addicted to porn and cybersexed and tried to meet any person he could. Logically – and the all of the evidence supports the fact that he did.  Sometimes, still,  I am overwhelmed with panic.  

 

I do not trust my intuition – I’ve even done drive-bys in his group after feeling panicked that he’s still lying and that he’s not there.  Only to find his car in the church parking lot.  I’m unclear whether I am paranoid, suffering from post traumatic stress disorder or if there is something I haven’t looked at yet and someone is trying to tell me something.

 I did go away for the weekend with a group of friends a few weeks ago and Bob had a bad weekend.  He said he didn’t act out, but that he really wanted to since he wasn’t being policed at all.  However, when I got back on the sunday and we had sex nothing came out (like when he was acting out) so I don’t know what to believe.

It worried me because he has flexible hours at work and he travels a lot for business.  Where he’s not policed.  He calls me all the time, pocket calls me so I know when he’s out with workmates, but no matter what he does, what he says I still remember how he cried and begged me to be with him after I found text messages (before I knew about the addiction/affair) and how he swore on his daughter’s life, looked me in the eye and said he never met any of them.  Meanwhile…3 days later he called Lisa and said they needed to go on the downlow.  A week later I traveled with him for business and we had the honeymoon – all the time he was text messaging, emailing and talking to Lisa.  While I layed there like a fool.

He is an exceptional liar.  He deserves a trophy for his acting.  I am not the most trusting person to begin with…and yet he certainly pulled the proverbial wool.

Anyway, he is trying and the state of his current emotional state may show me that he isn`t acting out, but actually feeling.  When he was acting out he seemed happy or at best even-keeled.  Which bothers me too.  Now he“s a mess. 

We`re trying to be together.  It`s hard.  I am angry still and I don`t want to be close to him – to ever feel the way I did a year ago and this past year.  I do enjoy his company and I do still love him, but sometimes I wonder if it woud be better if he did act out.  I could pack my bags and never wonder any more, never have to give someone another chance – but, as everyone says you`ll repeat your own pattern unless you understand it.  So, I`m here until someone taps me on the shoulder and says it`s time or if there is some way I can ever truly believe him and we can feel calm.

Who knows.  I will be seeing a shrink.  We`ll see where that leads…

Also…I used to think about his addiction pretty much 24 7 – with sleepless nights now it`s down to about an hour a day – usually on my commute, stuck in traffic.

I do think I`ll always wonder if i know the whole truth:(

One Year with Sex Addict

It’s been a year – feels like 10.  I look 10 years older – I really do.  I’ve gained 40 lbs and I blame Bob for it.  In fact I blame Bob for anything that’s gone wrong in my life.  Although he feels so guilty he takes it and I have my own scapegoat.

I hate who I’ve become sometimes.

Including the fact that I look at all the women around and decide they are so much better than I, prettier, sexier, smarter – whatever.  I stare at them so much I don’t even look at men now.  I’d make a great lesbian or a great artist of  female portraits.  In fact there’s a lovely gal at work, but she’s pretty so I don’t like her.

I used to be one of the guys gals laughing at dirty jokes, ok with porn, an adventerous person in bed, random sex partners when I was single – I liked sex.  Now I’m almost digusted by the pathetic-ness of it all.  I could live my life without sex completely.  In fact I so loathe it I am disgusted by fashion ads.  I have turned into a prude.

I wonder if other people I know are sex addicts.  Friends tell me about their boyfriends and I think…oh, I wonder if they are having an affair.

Speaking of affairs…I’ve never gotten over his affair with Lisa.  Any time Bob tries to touch me I see Lisa and I see how pathetic sex addiction is, how weak it is and how absolutely moronic sex addiction really is.

I see Bob as a weak person now and I have become his Mother.  I don’t want a subordinate I want an equal.

As for Bob…

He hasn’t acted out since May 08 -so he says.  I want to believe him, but I can’t.  Instead when we start getting close I push him away.  I guess I have the intimacy issue now.  I have snooped like hell and have found nothing whatsoever.  But, I can look at things 50 ways and it doesn’t matter if I don’t find evidence I can think of ways he could get around it.

He looks like hell too – he’s definately depressed.  Have I made his life hell?  Yep.

He says he’s going to see a one on one therapist – his 12 step group is working out really well for him.  He never misses a week and he sponsors some others.  There’s about 9 people in his group and most have porn and chat room addiction as their primary addiction. 

Why do I stay?  I do love him.  I enjoy his company and I’ve looked back at most of my relationships and figured out that most of relationships were a bit messed-up.  Not like this, but none the less.  I learned in RCA that you will repeat the pattern and I need to figure out what’s wrong with me that I look for people with issues.  In fact, there’s a guy at work that I didn’t fancy until he told me that his brother died – then I fancied him.  Yikes…sob story = fancy.

The way I get through this is that I have made an emphatic pact with myself that I will leave if anything goes wrong, he slips or acts out.  If nothing else, our weak partners should be able to stop if only because they know they’ve hurt us and what it will cost – now that it’s out in the open.  He hurts me again I’ll ruin his life and I’ll leave.  Bitter?  Me? lol…

The way I see it is they have an intimacy issue and if they can’t share their feelings with us now that their demons have showed then they are not intimate.  Nothing’s changed except the heartache we’ve suffered.

I’ll give more of an update soon.  I won’t leave it so long.

HPV, Precancer, surgery & sex addict

Well, I went for surgery yesterday to remove part of my cervix in a LEEP procedure.  Bob went with me and was very upset by “what he’s created.” 

The surgery was not painful – only mild cramping afterwards – like the early years when you get your period for the first time.  The reprocussions are:  I may not be able to hold a baby inside me and that there could be scar tissue that if I did have a baby – would likely mean I’d have to have a C-section.

Bob’s life is crashing down around him right now.  He is in financial hell, his car just went kaput and he can’t afford another one, his Parents are a nightmare (and I can’t help by pointing it out.  I loathe them, for what they’ve done to him, me and Bob’s daughter.  I feel like an as*hole, but I am so angry.), he realizes what he’s done to me as a whole and how he neglected his daughter.

I keep asking him for things that he doesn’t fulfill.  Things like writing me letters, rubbing my back (when we first met – I got about an hour a night, at least – I’d be lucky now if I got a half-assed attempt once a month) and more. 

I do enjoy Bob’s company – but the more I look from outside i see how miserable I am, how I’ve become a person full of negativity, anger and distrust overall.  I keep setting dates to move and then big things happen in my life to prevent me from leaving.  I am a Christian and I wonder if God is sending me messages to stay and work things out.

I am afraid if I leave that I will meet another SA or addict overall…that I am only attracted to those who can hurt me, etc.  Is it better the devil you know than the devil you don’t?

Now that I have a disease that I have to disclose – who would want to sleep with me?  If I was dating someone and they told me – I’d have to be honest and say that I think I’d run.  If I sleep with someone who isn’t going to be a “life partner” then I could potentially infect their new partners and be responsible for the operation I just had on strangers – people who don’t deserve it. (I have been trying to call Lisa to tell her to get checked – she will not answer her phone when I call.  While she’s the idiot who infected me – she does have kids and Bob isn’t the first affair she had nor likely the last).

After this year the sex side of a relationship is the furthest thing from my mind.  What do you do in this day and age?  YOu can’t make someone wait until marriage?  When do you disclose?  70% of all adult women in North America have at least one strain of HPV – some have no symptoms, some get warts and some get pre-cancer.  It’s skin to skin contact and condoms aren’t effective.  If your partner has been with anyone else – you need to get checked!  There are DNA tests for the strain.  It takes 4-5 years for pre-cancer to turn into cancer if not treated.  Even if you have doubts when your partner says he hasn’t been with anyone else – go and get checked!  It is life threatening.

The nurse I had – was younger than me (I’m 38) and she’s had cervical cancer. 

Anyway…should I stay or go…

Bob is still going to his SLAA meetings, he`s sponsoring others, and received his 6 month chip the other week.  He says he hasn`t acted out since last may, including masterbation.  Unfortunately, his ability to lie face to face is good…so he could be lying to them too.  I still have no trust in Bob, but my intuition says he`s not acting out – but I don`t trust my own intuition now. 

I do enjoy his company, he is good to me in a lot of ways.  We still laugh and have fun, when he`s beside me – but when he`s away from me – I always wonder.  He also travels a lot for work.  He does call me at least 3 times a day and when he`s in his hotel room says he doesn`t open his computer and gives me play-by-play of the TV shows he`s been watching. 

That said, the other night when he was away he did say he watching CSI and mentioned that he had just figured out he`d already seen it – it was 10 minutes from being over.  Odd.  I think I`ve caught him out on small lies too – but I`m looking for stuff and I don`t have any clear evidence.

I don`t know if I can ever forgive (which makes me mad at myself) and I know I`ll never forget.  I rub it in his face all of the time.  If I was him I`d dump me…the stress I give him is major. 

I am not attracted to him sexually anymore – I do not think this is abnormal given all of the circumstances.  In fact, I look at him now and feel sorry for him and find myself thinking it`s pathetic.

My friends are telling me to shit or get off the pot…either make it work and give it a go or just leave and put it in the past.  This limbo and prevarication is driving me (and them) mad.  Not to mention, Bob, who I tell week after week that I`m leaving one day (and I mean it wholeheartedly when I say it) and then I change my mind the next.  This is not doing our relationship any good whatsoever.

I feel weak, destroyed, angry and definately indecisive.  I`ve created a list of good things vs. bad things and while the bad certainly outweigh the good – I wonder if I will carry `my behaviors`into the next relationship – or again, if it`s better the devil you know…

I know Bob feels remorse and is getting help, but I`m not sure it`s enough.  I am more confused as the days go on about what to do…

HPV – I’ve got pre-cancer – condoms do not protect

Well alas, the results are conclusive.  I have HPV and pre-cancerous cells.  I got them from Bob, who got it from Lisa.  The affair he had for a year – where he drove to a hotel and she drove over the border, left her husband and 2 children behind, and had sex about once a month after meeting in a cybersex chatroom.

They used condoms, even for oral, but CONDOMS DO NOT PROTECT AGAINST HPV OR HERPES – they are both skin to skin viruses.

I had a biopsy a couple of weeks ago and the Doctor (himself!) called to say I have moderate to serious pre-cancerous cells and that it takes years for full cancer to develop.  It is directly related to HPV. 

I go in for a 12 minute operation in April, where the cells are removed.  It’s a day operation and he says I can go back to work the next day, that my periods will be bad for 2 months and I will have massive cramping the day of the operation.  I will also have to be monitored for cell changes going forward.

I don’t suppose anyone likes pap smears, but I find them exceedingly traumatic and I cry every time.

Great.

Lisa from Buffalo: The physical affair with sex addict

Throughout this blog I have made mention about Lisa, the person Bob had an affair with.  Lisa is her real name and I am going to put as many details on here as possible about what I know of her.  She is not responsible for Bob’s acting out and he certainly would have done it with someone else, “it was the situation, not the person” – as he says.

Well, thanks Lisa – thanks for your HPV, thanks to you (and Bob) it will be my 4th time in less than 9 months going into the gynocologist’s office.  This time to check for pre-cancer.  Don’t you know, Lisa, how lucky you are to have 2 kids and a husband? 

• Lisa’s in her mid to late 30s
• dark shoulder length hair
• brown eyes
•  c-cup breasts
• wears 3/4 length pants
• drives across the border from buffalo, NY to meet men in Toronto
• met on lavalife
• she’s a hairstylist
• she has a webcam
• she is married
• has 2 children, one is a boy
• goes to Florida usually for christmas
• meets random men and has long affairs (her’s lasted over a year with “bob”)
• meets them at the Econolodge in Niagara
• has a pay-as-you-go cellphone which she hides in her trunk (where the tire is kept)
• she drives a pontiac
• has a low rough-sounding voice (like she’s smoked for 50 years) and says “ain’t”
• Lisa lives in Buffalo within the driving distance of the US/Canada border
• Lisa cyber text messages things like “I want to wake up in your arms again…you always say the right things” and is quite romantic.
• Lisa is about 5″6
• Lisa wanted Bob to pretend to “meet her” at a club when she was there with her girlfriends, Buffalo-side
• Lisa is obviously a sex addict or “love’ addict
• Lisa will let men abuse her sexually and doesn’t care if she gets anything out of the sexual encounter
• She wears her hair in ponytails sometimes
• she meets men for an hour in a bar and then is in a hotel
• Lisa never pays for teh hotel rooms so you wouldn’t be able to trace her that way
• Lisa likes men that look tough
• Sometimes says she’s going to Niagara casino with her friends
• She talks on the phone to her husband while she’s naked in bed with another man
• Lisa also meets during the day – usually on Mondays or Tuesdays
• Lisa’s phone number starts with 716 361 -

When i spoke to her on the phone she told me to, “keep a check on my husband”…nice.  She was rough and mean.  Bob lied to her and told her he was in a loveless/sexless marriage. In fact, we had only met a month before they did.  He also told her numerous other lies.  The reality is, is that I was his girlfriend and she was his mistress.  Sucks for both of us.  From her romantic messages she was looking for something completely different than Bob the SA.  I feel sorry for her in a lot of ways.  That said, I feel more sorry for her husband & kids. 

They spent hours each week on the phone.  He told her whatever she wanted to hear.  he told her he had got caught with the text messages in may 07 and they needed to go on the down-lo.  He likely also told her he was away for business a lot when he was with me.  A text message I read from him said he was flying a kite with his daughter…he was with me.  Who knows what he told her. 

I do know that I have evidence to support the facts that he was trying to hook-up with other women, like Jenny from Lavalife (who he said he would have met, but she said she charged $500) and that he was emailing lot’s of women like Suhova and Holly from AshleyMadison.com while he was “with” both of us.  I caught him on online dating sites half a dozen times with fake names, profiles, etc.  He was anything from cupid to any site that supported cybersex chats.

Also…Bob lived at home with his Parents, his car was mine (he didn’t have one except his Dad’s old van), he is in debt past his eyeballs and while he did indeed have a daughter, she was not mine.  When you met we were simply BF and GF, not even that we were just dating – we met in August 06 …we did buy a house in March 08 before I found out about you and the other porn, lapdance and cybersex addictions. 

He’d have sex with me, stay at my house, leave in the morning and meet you at some point.  Then he’d come back to my place.  He didn’t get caught by me earlier because the nights when he’d meet you he would tell me he was spending it with his daughter.  Except while he was home (at his Parents) he told them he had work to do (he only works 9 to 5, never at night) and he’d go to his room and look at porn and cybersex for hours, likely sometimes with you.  Other times he would meet with you.  Needless to say he likely spent a few hours a week with his daughter due to his addiction and the most time he spent with her was when she was at my house every weekend.

Also…the dates and times I’ve checked, Bob and I got into quasi-arguements.  He used you to make him feel better, wanted needed.  You were a back-up.

Am I bitter?  Is this just a post because I am bitter – yes and also that I want other people (including SAs) to be aware of this woman.  While the men can’t get cancer from HPV – you can pass it along to your spouse, your GF or random strangers. 

Now…I carry around a piece of Lisa wherever I go…HPV…possible pre-cancer…a virus I will never be able to lose and I’ve never met her.  It’s a nice reminder about her and Bob and the 50 other people she may have subjected to this disease.

Lisa, if you read this – get help and check yourself out – if I have warts and squamous cells, so do you.

P.S. Also…Bob was cybersexing with hundreds of women, you’re the only one I have physical evidence for, that’s not to say that there weren’t other women he was meeting.  At the same time I found your text messages back in May 07 – there was another woman too, Diane from Toronto, who he was texting with.

Guess we both found out what a liar Bob is.  Hurts.  Hurts bad.

Lisa, before you do this again – think of the partners.  Think of the lies the people you have affairs with can tell you becuase you have no way to check.  Think of the disease you carry and you may kill or make someone infertile.  We have not wronged you. Think about your safety, if not for you than for your kids. 

Before the controversy about why I have not named & shamed Bob.  If I name and shame him …then I am named and shamed and I have done nothing wrong and do not want to be identified.  I’m sure you can understand.

Is Your Wife Having a Cyber Affair – Is this her?

Yep…definately bitter.  I know there is some controversy surrounding naming and shaming but I’ll be honest.  I’m tired of being Miss Nice Gal. 

So…here it is…this person has cybersexed a lot with Bob.  She was on his MSN (his was called c-me-too@hotmail.com – it’s closed now) and they chatted at least until February 08.  He or you also went by “Brands”.

I actually embarrassed to put it up here…she is not what I expected at all.  All I can think is, “you traded me in for that?”

I don’t care if you’re single or married or that your work friends may see this.  You chose to cybersex with strangers and your mom should have taught you that stranger = danger. 

You may know Bob as Nick or some other name he concocted, he may have put fake pictures up – all I know is he did lie.  For your specific picture he did say, “Well she was good at cybersex, but I put another picture up to fantacize” – how nice is that.  So there you have it.  You’re great at typing about sex … you should be proud.

This is one of the 100’s of women “Bob” had cybersex with.

 

Why am I not putting Bob’s pic or identifying him?  Because it would identify me

and I’ve been through enough.

Is it her fault that Bob did this?  Not at all.  But how many other people is

she screwing?  Guilty by association.

My Advice for Sex Addicts with Partners They Love

I have never been married, I have no children and I can financially support myself – I have friends who support me emotionally and a wonderful family.  So this advice doesn’t take into consideration people who cannot leave their situation for other reasons than pure emotion.  And I’m not saying leave.

Sex addicts.  My advice to you about how to keep your relationship if you want to:

• When you get caught, or even better, before you get caught – disclose everything immediately (better if in the presense of a sex addiction counsellor).  No matter how gruesome, how hurtful it may be to your partner, how disgusted you are with yourself.  There are 2 reasons to do this…one is in your favor.  The more you tell the more likely your partner will only freak about the major stuff and smaller stuff will not register right away.  You will not have to fight, or wonder about all of the lies you’ve previously told.  Many sex addicts here will tell you it’s a relief not to have to run your brain 10 seconds ahead to ensure you remember your lies.  The other is that we are in complete shock and dismay and our brains run 50 times faster and we will barrage you with neverending questions, leading to more fights.  We will also wonder how we were fooled so easily and will hang on your every word and analse it 50 different ways and create scenarios that may not have existed.  Those scenarious will not be in your favor.
• Answer every question, even if it’s the same question everytime, for as many and as long as it takes.  Remember that it is only you who knows what you’ve done and that we are trying to understand, to process it and quite honestly, test you to ensure your story is the same and that you’re not lying.  In fact, testing over and over, months later, possibly years later to make sure you were telling the truth.  Tell the truth now or you’ll be in the same lying head space you hate about yourself.  Including every minute detail – if we’re asking there is a reason.  May6be we’re trying to understand, maybe we’re afraid of what comes out later, maybe something just doesn’t sit right…maybe in the emotional haze we simply forget.  Maybe, maybe, maybe…trust me…just answer any and every question. Otherwise the question will still be there and we will be more and more suspicious and we’ll snoop more.
• Snooping. Despite controversy here…let us snoop to our hearts content, give us your passwords, let us contact the other person/people if we want.  If you’ve been completely honest and you want to get healthy you will have nothing to hide and will not mind.  If you’re worried about what the other person/s will think then you do not want this current relationship.  This relationship should be your first concern and protecting yourself or others will only seem like you have chosen them over us.  Regardless about what the other person would say – the people you’re likely talking to are liars too – let us judge for ourselves.
• Buy some books by Patrick Carnes, Robert Weiss and Jennifer Schneider.
• Tell your partner exactly where you are at all times, allow your partner to check and do not be angry.  Yes this is a test.  Do not go inside yourself, do not feel angry at your partner for invading your privacy.  The more we snoop and find nothing the less likely that it will last forever.  However, spot checks will likely last forever.
• Ask yourself if you want to be in this relationship.  If you can stand all of the feeling sorry for yourself, all of the blame, the guilt, the partner feeling sorry, the tense quiet bits, the fact that your relationship will never be the same, the fact that you’ll have to prove yourself in so many ways, the fact that your freindships and family relationships may change, the fact that you will be no longer able to act out and that you have to face reality and likely never masterbate and hopefully not fantacize again.  That you will not be trusted until you earn it again.  That the person who looked at you yesterday with admiration will look at you without respect and without trust, possibly disgust, and will feel sorry for you.  But, will likely want to help you and trust you and wants to believe in you.
• Talk to your partner about your headspace, during, before and now that it’s out.  Talking about your fears does not make you weak it makes you strong becuase you are facing them. 
• Do not listen to your partner’s first reaction if they are calling you names.  You just hit them from behind and the shock makes us do and say funny things. It is the shock and not the reality of our thoughts that speak for us.  Plus, at this stage we don’t know what sex addiction is – we think it is an unlawful stuff. 
• Get help.  Join a group like SLAA.  You’ll find others in the same boat and it is good for realizing you are not alone.  You do not have to speak till you’re comfortable – usually after those aha moments.
• Get a couples counsellor, hopefully one versed in SA, and go together.  If you’ve disclosed everything definately take a lie detector test.  If you read one of the polls here it’ll tell you that it’s not the sex (predominantly) that hurts us.  It’s the duplicity and never knowing if you’re telling the truth.  Think of anyway to prove it.
• Tell your partner exactly how you feel about them and more importantly show them.  We are looking to ensure that we aren’t just maids, paying the bills…a in-house lifestyle choice, old “faithful”.  We are looking for reassurance that you do indeed love us, that you think we’re attractive/sexy, that you want to be with us not just the situation.  Us.  And why you want to be with us and not some cheesy..becuase you’re funny.  Use examples of the things you love about us.  Buying expensive gifts is not the answer – buying thoughtfukl things is…I was at the store thinking about you and I got you this pack of gum becasue I know it’s your favorite goes further than a diamond tennis bracelet where we’d all think it was motive and also…what have you done now.  Cards.  We like cards, letters and the written word.  It’s easy to have a conversation, but the thought and time it takes to craft a letter – a genuine letter – not just cheese goes a long, long way.  You can test this by the number of times he/she reads it.  Where we put it and if we carry it around with us.
• Remember we are going through all the stages of grief at one time…especially anger.  It can change in minutes.  Bare with us.  Don’t get mad – understand that it feels like we have lost someone / something we love and it feels worse than someone dying.  It’s a lot worse, we think you chose (conciously or subconciously) to do these things and realize that our whole world was a lie.  Not that something/someone was just taken from us.
• Our self esteem is shot.  Completely.  Don’t say untruth’s we know you’re lying.  Don’t say, you’ve got the best ass when we don’t.  Say truth’s only.  You have great eyes, I like the way you…it’s important to me that…  If your partner pushed you away…just keep doing it.  With the lack of self esteem now we likely do not believe you, we don’t believe it ourselves.  But keep on saying and doing things that will help us believe it.
• Point out any other lies unrelated to sex that you may have told.  You may as well get it out there.  We’re already going back to every second of our relationship and wondering if things are true.  Plus, this will make you more credible becuase there’s been no evidence that you are backpeddling from.
• In bed, look at us – in our eyes, say our names, spend more time kissing, massaging - make it known that you are know you are sleeping with us and not some fantasy.  If you’re zoning out or fantacizing stop.  If we start crying stop, cuddle and talk, rationally.  Tell your partner what you want in bed.  We feel like we are the worst sex queens out there now – be honest with what you want, also say what you’ve liked with your partner, and ask what they want, what would make them feel good.  Talk about it after.  Do not criticize…learning to be intimate with your partner takes time.  Criticism now will end your relationship.  Still buy lingerie and say they look great in it.
• Tell your partner exactly what your relationship was with the other person(s) – if you thought you loved the other person, if it was just sex, if … whatever.  Be honest…we’re looking for and will be looking for answers forever.  Until we find the genuine one.
• Do not shut down and not talk, do not put a timeline on things…”I’ve been healthy for 6 months now, my affiar was over a year ago, why aren’t you getting over this:
• Above all…stop all activities, do not even end it with other people (or end it with your partner present) just leave that all behind – you may get sucked back into it, do not just look, do not go anywhere or see anyone that may trigger you.  Concentrate on getting you healthy and both of you healthy.
• Tell your partner all of your triggers and how to tell if you’re slipping.  If you’ve had a slip or relapse tell your partner right away.  As hard as it is.  
• Be true to yourself and others.
• Let your partner help 
• We all react differently to trauma.  If your partner leaves and asks for space, give it to them.  If your partner needs to yell and scream let them – respect what they ask for.
• Figure out why you think the way you do, when you act out, how it started, your family of origin.  Do not just “white knuckle” (where out of sheer will you just don’t act out, but never understand why or try to fix yourself into thinking normally) get to the bottom of it (it’s going to be hard) and change your thought patterns.  All people don’t have affairs, don’t cybersex, don’t look at porn…open your eyes to the truth, not just some media swaggle.  If you’re hiding something you’re doing something wrong.

I could go on but basically here are teh main points:

• Be honest and disclose everything.  Be honest with yourself and your partner.
• Answer every question truthfully.
• remember that the person you’ve betrayed, virtually or physcially, is in differing stages of grief.
• Be open.  Do not hide anything from emotions to physical objects, passwords.
• Your partner has now no self esteem.  Genuinely show and tell them what you love about them.
• Find the reason you got here and explain to your partner.
• Honesty is better than wondering how much you can hurt your partner – dishonesty hurts the most.
• Make a plan to get well.
• Tell your partner when you have urges, keep an open dialogue
• Do not criticize your partner
• Understand the addiction, read books, seek help and ask your partner to read/go with you.  Include your partner in your recovery.
• Do not act out.  If you continue you must be honest with your partner and give them the choice to stay or leave.

My Decision to Stay or Leave Sex Addict

Hi Everyone,

It’s been ages since I posted and I have to be honest and say that I haven’t been keeping up on emails, comments, etc. and I feel guilty.  So, I’m sorry.

The last couple of months have been very confusing and clarifying for me.  The truth is I like challenges and throughout this whole misadventure I wanted to ensure that “Bob” was into me and that the other women  were just sex and there was no emotional connection.  This period of my life was certainly a challenge and it has ripped the core out of my soul.  I have become someone I do not know and do not like.

Before I met “Bob” I liked who I was – it took me till I was in my early 30s to get that way, but I was confident in who I was, what I looked like and so many other things.  I knew definitively my strengths and weaknesses.  Now I am angry all of the time…that is not me.  I yelled at my boss, everything I say or do or how I analyse things at work is negative and tainted with edge.  While I’ve always been sarcastic – I have not had that sardonic edge.

To top things off I see the world, relationships and men differently now.  I liked the way I saw it before – that people can fall in love, that people can be faithful and that the world doesn’t revolve around the way someone looks or the triggers in someone’s mind.  That deeply people are attracted to others for their warmth, their sense of humour, their intelligence and kindness and so many other inside things and that looks were something that attracted you to someone initially, but love came from the innerself.  Cheesy as that sounds.

I have become more of a watcher, a shrinking violet and I watch people at the gym and on the street. I watch how women flaunt themselves (men too) sexually to gain attraction.  I used to do it myself.  I compare myself to every woman out there and they always seem to be better than me now and I hate that.  I’ve always considered myself attractive until now.  I don’t have long hair, big boobs, legs that go on forever – I see the women the men stare at now.  But as I lower my eyes to everyone and anyone I do not notice if they look at me.  I feel ugly.  And I see, rightly or wrongly, that my brains, my career, my old sense of humour, my kindness and innerself would not matter now. 

This is not a great way to feel.  I feel like I’m going/am crazy.  I was thinking about going on anti-depressants and thought, why?  I am very unhappy – miserable in fact – and the only thing that will get me out of this slump is to change something.  I like my career and the company I work for, I adore my friends and I have one heck of a great family.  I am lucky in a lot of ways, but I seem to obsess about the crap things now.

Things I don’t like …my commute to work, my BF’s family and the fact that my brain doesn’t switch off and I ALWAYS wonder what Bob’s up to, where I was when he did everything, how it is possible that I really would never have thought he could ever do this, how he could leave my house and sleep with someone else and call me from the hotel after his session, how Bob could use or objectify other people, how I’ll never know if he’s disclosed everything, if he can fall off the wagon – but mostly, I can’t get the visions out of my head or come to any resolution about why (he still can’t explain it) or how he could do this – but mostly I do not ever think I could trust him again.  Not even one little bit. 

It’s not the fact that he had sex with another person (predominantly) it’s the duplicity, the lies and after getting caught with text messages and continuing to lie and cheat and look me in the face and pretend that everything was  normal.  It’s the “how could he live two seperate lives” and act the whole time like the perfect boyfriend and how on God’s green earth did I ever, and I mean ever, think we had a near perfect relationship and that at 38 years old I finally found the man I could get old with. 

Who the heck is this person?  And how was he such a great liar.  And how did he show up at my house nearly every night, daughter in tow and pretend?  How did I not know?  I beat myself up at this and I know that he is such a great liar that he could easily do this again.  If he’s in a good mood I wonder why – if he’s in a bad mood I wonder why.  He’s starting to feel again and he cranks at me and I wonder if his (imaginary) GF has made him mad or it’s me.

I am sick of analyzing.  I am sick of wondering.  I am sick of BS.  I am sick of looking at him and feeling zero respect and instead feeling sorry for him.  I am sick of my brain never shutting off.  Of having to know every minute detail.  Of things I think have happened, but he says they haven’t – but my brain won’t stop and still won’t stop until like he says, “he tells me what I want to hear” – and I want him to say that the bruise on his nipple was from that bitch, Lisa or someone else. 

I want him to say that there were other women, because quite frankly, I can’t believe that his addiction in 2 years and out of the hundreds of people he cybersexed with – no one else wanted to meet.  Even though he admitted (I had a bit of evidence) that he tried to hook-up with Jenny from Lavalife (until she said her meetings were $500) and Diane from Toronto who at the last minute couldn’t do that to her husband.  He just says having one other person on the side was too much work.  As a reminder…Lisa and Bob stopped f’**king last October and 2 months before that he sent emails out to 9+ women that I found – one being Jenny.  So as his realization that Lisa was a real person with feelings, who allegedly wanted more (maybe it was Bob who wanted more.  Maybe it was Lisa who dumped him – who knows and this is what drives me nuts.  The not knowing, not believing, always being in the gray space.  And like Bob says, until he says what I want to hear – which is the negative, the stuff that makes logical sense to me - than I’ll never be able to move on.) he’s admitted that if one of those women had worked out taht he may have had an affair with them. 

The one thing Bob has always said…is…if you’re going to lie, just give them a bit more than the evidence and they’ll think you’re telling the truth.  Learned that as a boy, when shady characters from an Italian men’s club were the only people who gave him attention. 

Then he says at the same time that he would get the same “high” from cybersex and then porn and it was faster, so when he stopped the meeting in hotels with Lisa – he says that the other stuff was enough. 

So you can see…mentally, I am no further ahead then I was 5 months ago, in fact now I’m angrier than ever and jaded.

On Bob’s note…he is still going to his SLAA meetings and says he hasn’t acted out at all since May when he got caught, including masterbation.  He says it’s hard, but that he would rather talk with the group than with me since I throw everything back in his face.  Which, I’ll be honest, I do – not to be nasty, but everything he says I analyse and then have a gazillion other questions and my brain starts obsessing about that.  (Stuff like, “how is it that I can live like this when I feel like I’m competing with every other woman on the planet” and a gazillion other things.)  Bob says he sees the world differently too and realizes what an addicted brain he lived in most of his life and that he wants to be normal – even if I left he’d still go to meetings and get healthy.

Isn’t a good portion of this addiction about intimacy issues?  How can you be intimate if you don’t share with your partner?  How can I keep throwing everything up in his face and expect him to have heart-to-heart’s with me? 

Before I met Bob, I loved sex, thought I was good at it and was “randy” for it all the time.  Now, the thought of sex just makes me feel inadequate, not sexy at all and I figure with Bob that I can never compete with his fantasies, the rush he’d get with strangers that he’d never be able to get from me and I’ve given up trying to please him in bed and he wonders why I just lay there.  Before I found out about this addiction, the affair, etc.  I bought lingerie a lot, and really enjoyed and made an effort to be queen of the bedroom.  I figure now that I gave him all I had in bed and what’s the point now.  I can’t compete.  Plus, I don’t feel sexual at all – no drive.  So we’re not having sex and since he’s trying to get healthy…he says I hold all of the power.  If I say no, then he can’t do anything at all.  I don’t want this power, the guilt or the wondering if he’ll eventually justify me not putting out to go elsewhere.  And thinking like that (and when we were intimate wondering if he’s fantasizing about someone else, if it’s perfunctory or if he did “this” with Lisa – and those crappy, horrible, gut-wrenching visions of her) just makes me not want to have sex even more.  In fact, I don’t want him to touch me at all.  We are not having sex now.

We went to Recovering couples Anon (RCA) for awhile and while the people there were lovely and welcoming I didn’t get much out of the meetings.  There was no concrete advice on how to cope, it was more a venting thing and I have friends and family for that.  I’m not saying that there isn’t value there, I’m sure there is for people who can’t discuss these issues anywhere else.  I din’t connect with anyone there – always thought “those people” – most of them were still going after 5+ years.  I thought if I had to still be going that long than there obviously would be no real intimacy or trust or something with my partner.  Wrong and judgemental, I know.

We also started couples counselling before I found out about the affair/ the addiction…only to find out that our counsellor did more damage than good.  He told Bob, after he was a confirmed sex addict, that it was perfectly acceptable to comment on a woman’s cleavage if she was wearing a low cut top, because that’s why she’d wear it.  Bob said he’d get fired for that and does he (shrink) realize he’s a sex addict.  We never went to another counsellor at all.  Bob tried to get an appointment with the only SA counsellor in our city – but his calls were never returned.  Apparently.

I would have liked to go to individual counselling, but I know logically that if I went to a shrink and retold the story that he/she would say get the hell out.  If I went to an SA counsellor they would have said to stay and given me justifications about how Bob loves me, is afraid of emotion and everything else I’ve read in the SA books and I should set up boundaries and give him a chance, etc.  So I was afraid of their votes and afraid that the logical side of me would be over-ruled by persuasion.  I needed to come to an answer myself.  Plus, if I’m honest, I leave the house very early in the morning and don’t return till late.  Where can you find an appointment after 8pm or weekends?  If I was charging $100+ an hour I surely wouldn’t want to work nights or weekends.

So…

The reality is…that Bob and I had a new relationship where that should be the best part of a relationship.  The awkwardness, the getting to know you, the necking in the car for hours, the touching, the excitement…all of it, before you get intimate (emotionally) with someone and comfortable.  I feel robbed.  All the time we were getting to know each other, while all of those nervous feelings were swirling around, while 2 years later and buying a house together, was exciting and good memories for me…he was not there mentally.  He compared me to every woman he looked at, cybersexed with, etc.  He didn’t buy a house with me to be with me, but likely to get out of his situation.  (It doesn’t matter that he says he did love me all that time and that the others were just sex – just a messed-up fix.) 

I feel robbed and there is nothing for me to think otherwise.  All of the good memories are now replaced with…when he went to the bathroom did he text message someone…when I took him to Dominican for his 40th (all expenses paid) why did he immediately go online when we got back (and was he jonesing when we were there).  It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t about me that “it was about his addiction” and that his feeling were genuine. 

Genuinely, he put his feelings/needs/urges above mine and put not only my emotions on the hot grill, but my health too. I find out next month if I have pre-cancer, due to squamous cells on my cervix and I have warts on my bits, due to HPV.  For the record, it was from him and not anyone else.  I had a full STD check when I met Bob before we had sex.  I made him wait the 2 months before my HIV test came back.  He said he had an STD check too at the same time, but he’s such a liar about everything (not just the sex stuff), who knows.  During the time I was trying to protect him from something I could possibly have had (I was clean) he was meeting Lisa ( a stranger he met in a cybersex chatroom) in a hotel room for sex.  They used condoms, but condoms do not protect against skin-to-skin diseases like HPV or herpes and more.  We decided not to use condoms because we both ”clean” and if I got pregnant, I got pregnant.  Plus, he had difficulty getting them on since he was never that hard, so it just made things frustrating and the moment lost.  So thanks for protecting her and not me. 

I now feel sorry and angry at this Lisa.  I talked to her on the phone and she was a rough-sounding imbecile.  Bob said she was a plain Jane with C-cups and that she was the only one that would meet.  That you could have replaced her with anyone- that it was the situation and not the person .  He says when she’d call him or he’d call her whenever she was talking about anything but sex that he’d say his wife was on the phone and he had to go.  He told her a million lies.  And she likely told him a million too.  She is definately a sex addict too – anyone who would put themselves at risk to meet a stranger, that they met cybersexing, in a hotel room in another state, far away from the safety of home,  once a month for sex has to be.  I’ve tried to contact her again so she’d get herself checked out (HPV pre-cancer is treatrable if they catch it fast enough), but she has changed her number and she’s untraceable now.  If I’m honest not for her sake, but for the other unsuspecting women out there who’s partner’s she’s sleeping with.  Bob wasn’t the first one – she admitted to him. 

Mostly, I feel bad for her that she got to be a sex addict for likely childhood issues and that she turns to men to “fix” whatever needs she has, only to be used (and likely use) and be disgarded like she probably always was.  Plus – here’s the nasty side of me – she’s not very bright, not attractive and uses sex as her way to attract people, they are not into her, just the sex. 

But I am jealous of her.  She knew about me and I didn’t know about her.  She got protected, I didn’t.  She knows what Bob wants in bed, I only know what he likely only wants me to know and she could pretend to be anyone she wanted, she only had to look good once a month, he shaved his head and waxed his car and looked great for her once a month.  I got the non-showered, farting version most of the time with the occasional dress-up. 

Mostly though…I’m jealous because I know that he could never feel that sexually excited with me because our meetings were not clandestine, because I wear flannel PJs most of the time and becasue I nag about bills, his parenting skills, housework, and a gazillion other things.  She just got to tell him what he wanted to hear and get told what she wanted to hear.  It must feel great being a constant state of romance (until you realize that it was all a ploy for sex). All part of the ritual sex visits.  That she knew exactly what happened in that room and that I know how romantic and charming he can be and while he was wooing me in the beginning he was also wooing her.

 So these last few months I’ve been doing some deep soul searching.

The biggest part now is what do I want from my life?  I want a normal life, a normal relationship and I want to be part of an extended family that I respect (Bob’s Mother is the biggest liar and manipulator ever – the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I guess) and I want a child.  I want to feel calm.  I want the person I used to be back.  I want to respect and adore the person I’m with (and not wonder if I’m tired and don’t want sex (or if we argue)  if that’s a justification for my partner to seek a fix).

The reality is…I do love Bob still.  But he cannot provide me with the loving, stable environment that I want.  That if we could work this out, there is still the issue of his Mother.  That if we had a child together there would be a number of issues…the stress, would it make him act out, if I was spending most of time with the child would his needs not be met and that would selfishly “justify” him seeking it elsewhere – I know for certain that my child would not be allowed to stay at his Mother’s unsupervised – and that in itself would cause all kinds of arguements.  I’m almost 39, my biological clock is ticking, I may already have pre-cancer and that might complicate things anyway – do I have the time to sit by based on hope and faith?  The answer is no.  If I want a good family I cannot simply sit-by for what ifs.

Consequences.  We all make decisions, conciously or subconciously, but they are decisions.  Whether Bob is an addict or not the reality is…he mislead me to believe he was someone he wasn’t, he made the choice to sleep with at least one other person, he made the choice to not be “intimate” emotionally or take that risk and no matter how I slice the pie, no matter what excuses I make for his abysmal childhood, the reality is – he cheated for most of our relationship, he lived a double-life, he lied about his commitment to me, his feelings for me, he mislead me to believing we had a future together, I cannot compete with his imagined perfect woman and that I cannot be held responsible for his actions. 

He did this to himself, to us and to me personally - he chose it.  There are no guarantees that he won’t do it again.  The thought that he could use people is not a trait in the person I want to be with, the thought that he can be someone else and keep it hidden and be duplicitous and not affect him when he was with me, the fact that he lied about who he was through and through (including lying about coaching his kid’s soccer team, his finances, living in other countries), it is mostly the fact that he is a great, great liar and I will never know what is true or who he really is and I am incredibly disappointed and I feel a fool.

The man I fell in love with and the part of him I still love is his kindness, his willingness to help me, his family, my family and his friends, the romantic, charming person, the tough looking exterior and pussycat interior, his ease of life, his intelligence and his ability to make me laugh, to calm me down.  The way he was with my pets – the way he took care of me, the way he listened, the way I felt safe with him.  The way I thought he adored me and the way I felt like I was in the best relationship of my life.  The way I was sexually free with him and trusted him.  Mostly, the ease/comfortable nature of our realtionship.  I was always me, I never had to put on a mask to appease him – it felt good.

I’ll miss the person I thought he was and I’ll miss the relationship I so gloatingly and greatfully thought I had.

Understanding the causes behind sex addiction

Sex addiction – in what ever form can be attributed to feelings of escape, of living in a fantasy world and mostly hiding from feelings.  There’s a great article at the selfhelptips blog with this as the guts – I think it sums it up nicely.

So how are we to understand this sexual behavior, especially coming from men who have so much to lose? From my practice as a Psychiatrist for over 40 years, I have learned some of the underlying hidden motivations that lead individuals to have multiple sexual partners and extramarital affairs. Here are some of the causes:

1. You grew up with a very rejecting parent – To protect against future rejection, you are likely to not become too emotionally connected with a partner. Having many affairs is one way to achieve this emotional distance and hence maintain your emotional safety.

2. You have a parent or sibling who was or is too dependent on you for fulfillment – In future relationships, you might feel an anxiety about being burdened by your partner’s needs, just as you were burdened by your parent’s needs. Again, creating distance is a way of communicating to your partner not to depend on you too much.

3. You were raised by an authoritarian controlling parent and were required to be excessively submissive and obedient – This may cause you to be fearful of being controlled by your partner. Having many affairs would protect you from being controlled and taken advantage of.

4. You have a parent or sibling who may have been excessively competitive with you for the attention of the opposite sex parent – To protect the parent or sibling from feeling envious of you, you fail in your relationships by having many partners.

5. You have a parent who lives vicariously through your sexual exploits, and you fulfill their needs by demonstrating your sexual promiscuity over and over.

6. Your parent was overly moralistic and critical of sex – You protest against this by rebelling and doing the opposite. You communicate your resentment of your parent’s Victorian morality by having as many affairs as possible.

7. In families where a parent or parents had affairs, their behavior sets an example, “a role model,” of how to behave. For example, in the Kennedy family, Joseph, the father of John, Robert and Ted was very promiscuous, and all of his sons followed suit.

8. If your parent is disdainful and contemptuous of the opposite sex, you may follow suit as a way of not feeling better off or superior.

9. Your parent excessively required you to always please or rescue him or her, and you felt that it was your responsibility to make that parent feel good – You may make it your mission to make the opposite sex feel good, and hence you may get into multiple relationships not because you care about the other person, but because it makes you feel good to make someone of the opposite sex feel good.

Great Article About Female Sex & Love Addicts

I found a good article about female sex and love addicts.  I’m going to put the whole article here (there are triggers on the landing page so I can’t provide a link).  It’s written very tongue and cheek, and makes light of the issue – but in fact there are some good tidbits of info in it.

It was written November 14th, by Betty Boudoir and posted on RubyRoom.aol.co.uk.  – I hope this is proper attribution.

Addicted to Love: The Growing Number of Women with Sex Addiction

The lothairo’s favourite habit is becoming more and more common among women. No longer reserved for celebrity playboys, the likes of Russell Brand and David Duchovny are now accompanied by scores of women who simply can’t get enough.

“In America, 30% of people coming in for treatment for sex addiction are female,” says Don Serratt, director of Life Works, which offers sex-addiction treatment in the UK. In this country, few women present themselves as sex addicts, but that doesn’t mean the problem is less prevalent. “They’ll come for help with alcoholism, drug addiction or depression and, in the course of treatment, the sex addiction, the root cause of the other addictions, will be uncovered.”

Dirty buggers eh? But hang on a sec, you like sex, you like it a lot…are you a sex addict then? Well let’s take a look at your personal CV.

How long has your longest relationship lasted? If you count yourself unlucky in love and have had a series of relationships lasting around 3 months at a time you might want to keep on reading.

Do you have sex with a series of men and try to convince yourself you’ve found love only to find out a month or so later that your eye has started wandering to the nearest available crotch? Well the good news is you’re not alone.
Susan Cheever, a self-confessed sex addict and author of Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction, agrees that this blurring between lines of the compulsions of love and sex is common among women. “If there is a difference between sex and love addiction, I don’t know what it is,” she says. “Sometimes people say they just fall in love too frequently. Are they saying they don’t want to have sex with those people? Love addict sounds nicer for sure.”

So next time you catch yourself lusting after the removal man, the spotty trolley boy in Tesco’s or the photocopier toner salesman ask yourself what future you see yourself having with this man. Can you see a sprawling pad in the country littered with laughing children and dogs or can you see you and he locked in a broom cupboard for 5 minutes thrashing about followed by remorse and shame?

Do you crave intimacy? It’s not something we, as independent women would like to admit but do you seek male validation? In some respect, frighteningly, we all do but it’s knowing where to draw the line and what means you use to get it that defines us as a sex addict or not.

Drink fuelled shenanigans on a regular basis usually underline the problem. Some friends will even think you’re an alcoholic before they think you’ve got a problem with sex.

“For women, sex addiction is a form of self-abuse, to hand their body over to the nearest taker,” says Sally Crompton, psychologist and agony aunt. “In all the letters I get from women, the core issue is an inability to connect and a lack of self-worth. Funnily enough, the impulse behind women’s sex addiction is essentially a good one – an attempt to be intimate – but, because the person doesn’t understand what intimacy or boundaries mean, they get locked into this behaviour. Ultimately, sex addiction is a distortion of the self.”

If you can hear an echo of yourself in Sally’s words, don’t panic, you like sex and it might just be that you’re a horny little minx but just in case you feel a little bit saddened by your realisation that this might something more, just know that you’re not alone. There’s nothing to be ashamed and hey, if Ulrika Jonsson can admit to it on national TV then, so can we.

- The British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy provides a list of therapists
- Sex Addicts Anonymous;
- Life Works

 

I also just found a great post from Rae at Rae’s Confessions entitled “Women are Sex Addicts Too” – it’s got some great quotes http://raesconfessions.blogspot.com/2008/11/women-are-sex-addicts-too.html

SLAA Meetings & Honesty

Bob comes back from the SLAA meetings.  Sometimes he talks to me and sometimes he doesn’t afterwards.  I usually ask a battery of questions.  Bob thinks I’m “investigating” – trying to find out if he’s actually gone or trying to get more out of the answers.

Truth is I do believe he goes - he knows I know where it is located.  He went for coffee afterwards once and I asked him where it was.  I could have done drive-bys but I didn’t.  I figure if he’s giving me a location then he’s being honest and he knows I may check.  I am afterall supersleuth.

Bob said last week’s SLAA meeting was about trust (he picked it - he chairs) and one guy said he didn’t trust himself.  Bob said he didn’t trust himself, but it that he wasn’t acting out.  I asked what he meant and he said that’s between him and the meeting.  I was miffed.  Isn’t getting healthy as a couple about sharing, creating intimacy and trusting – at least in terms of emotions?

So I brought it up again today (I have a new rule – no talking about ”this” stuff on the weekend.  We seriously have talked about this everyday for 6 months. I always bring it up.  Think of new things.  Always trying to figure out the when, where was I…trying to figure out how I didn’t know, I guess).  Today he said that I have no right to ask about his meetings – that there is a confidentiality rule.  To which I say, “well then I have a right to walk out the door.”

I understand that he doesn’t want to talk about the others, but truly I am still looking for the words that make this better and some deeper understanding. 

I am also looking for deep emotional intimacy with Bob.  Bob still does not trust me emotionally.  I guess it takes time and what happens if I force the issue?  He does tell me, under duress and it is matter of fact.

I guess I shouldn’t threaten him with leaving and I don’t do it that often anymore, but the truth is…if I’m not happy and I feel he’s keeping secrets I also have every right to be happy and if I have to walk out that door I will.  It’s a boundary of mine.  No BS, just truth and honesty with himself and with me.

The only issue is – should he be able to be honest in his meetings getting him healthy and leave me out of it?  I think it’s more about sharing as a couple, believing in someone and risking trust now.

Where’s the bloody guidebook?  

So here’s the poll?

By the way, Bob was referring to the fact that he has to remove himself from triggers or he wouldn’t trust himself.  At least that’s what he says now.  Who knows what he really meant.