How I Feel About SEx Addiction Now That I’ve Left

Remember this is only my opinion…and it’s not meant to hurt or to upset anyone.  Answers to some emails I received in the past year.

Do I think there is such a thing as sex addiction or is it just an excuse to be unfaithful? 

Definately.  Anyone that carries porn on their phone, masterbates 5 – 6 times a day, risks everything they like, stays up for 8 hours watching porn or cybersexing or both before an important meeting the next day – definately has issues.  When they go away on vacation with no access to phone or computer and start crying (possible DTS?)- yes it’s an issue.  When they think sex with their partner is dirty because they respect them, and can’t get it up – yes it’s an issue.  Yes it’s an addiction.  When they zone out while staring at someone who triggers them and their mouth gaps open, their eyes and mind are somewhere else and you’re right there – yes it’s an addiction.

Can addicts change?

Bob changed.  He was disgusted with himself, he stopped the behaviours – but has his mind changed?  Not really.  I don’t see the mouth agog, nor does he seem as agitated.  But he certainly doesn’t feel.  He has the strength to stop the behaviours, but won’t go to individual therapy to try and find another coping mechanism, in my case.  Can sex addicts change?  IMHO…I would like to say yes, but let’s face it – when we get to the truth about when it all began they were pretty young when it started.  Do I think they like being a SA?  No – they are more ashamed then we are.  Something is wrong with them and they know it.  The same thing that got them (trying not to feel) is the thing they give up.  Their coping mechanism.  I am addicted to food, have been my whole life.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking about food.  First thing when I wake up and last thing when I go to bed.  I guess you have to ask yourself if you’re ok with them thinking that way (unless they are in therapy and working on it) as long as they are not acting out.

Did you leave Bob because of the sex addiction?

No,  I left because he is a robot – he doesn’t feel and I need more from life.  Like really knowing if the person beside me on the couch even likes me.  Not just roommates.  Ho wever, I knew that I could never excite him sexually as his fantasies and that bothered me to think of my life as un-passionate, when the old me was very passionate.  I’m not talking sex precisely.  I’m talking more than that – just overall.  Also, I didn’t want to live my life snooping and we were in a cycle where he felt guilty and I felt like making him guilty.  It wasn’t good for either of us.

Have I had sex since I left? 

Nope – it’s been almost a year.  I probably would have but now I have the cancer causing HPV and I have to tell anyone I sleep with the risk.  I did tell Cam (and also asked him get a STD test – which he did) and he asked what it does to him and I said virtually nothing, but he could pass it on.  He said he was fine with it, but he vanished the night we were supposed to be alone for the first time.  That may have been it – but I think it was more likely he was afraid of the emotional connection we had and was a commitment phobe.  But it may have played a part.  Am I ready for sex?  Sometimes yes and sometimes no.  I will always wonder now what the motive is – I hope that changes.

Am I ready to be in a relationship?

Not at all.  The Cam thing really threw me for a loop.  I thought I was ready but I really don’t have the strength to have my heart broken one more time – afraid of the risk.  However, I am REALLY enjoying time on my own with no one to worry about but me.  I guess I’m lucky in a way.  I’ve been single and lived on my own a lot in my life, I have a great group of friends and I’m self sufficient (good career), so making the step from living with someone to being on my own was a good one.  Don’t get me wrong, I bought a house with Bob becasue I wanted to be with the man I loved and share my life.  I don’t need another person to make me happy.  Nor can I make someone else happy – they need to want to be.  To be completely honest, this is probably the first time in my life where I don’t want a relationship – even before I’d always wonder what if.  Now I don’t.  I’m sure it will change over time.

Anyway, I’m off to bed…ask away if there’s anything you want to know my thoughts on.

Sex addict, me and his sex addiction since I left 2 months ago

Hi everyone,

The posts will become more regular again – me thinks.  My compurt is repaired and good to go

well, not much and a lot has happened since I last blogged.  My faith in marriage and anyone ever being happy, truly happy, is just a concept that keeps kicking me in the shin, over and over again.  When I was in my teens I lifeguarded at a hotel.  The amount of married business men that hit on me was crazy.  I was flattered back then, but now I just think they were pedophiles – I was 16, most of these men were 40 and up.  Sad.  Sad that I thought about dating a couple of them back then when as an adult I figure out they wanted one thing.

Now, as I approach 40 – nothing has changed.  I changed my status on my Facebook to single.  Then I had groupings of old school friends engage me in chat.  I ask the usual things like where have you been the last 20 years…I get everyone saying that they’ve been married for 13 years, couple of kids, good job – all great.  I’m happy for them, chat a bit more – definately don’t discuss the last 3.5 years with sex addict or any of the “therapy’ speak.  After shooting the shit for about 10 minutes, then their perfect life changes…”well actually I’m having trouble with my marriage, marriage isn’t what it seems, la la la” and then they ask me out!  Just cause I’m single doesn’t mean I’m desperate nor would I ever get involved with a married man.  Sheesh.  I’m not talking one or two – I’m talking about 20 people!  What the heck!?!

So, I’m struggling with the thought that no one can commit, be intimate or work on their relationships anymore.  That we all just pack it in when it gets tough or when you get bored and I’m tired of the grass is always greener.

As for Bob, he says he’s under control.  He hasn’t even masterbated.  Oddly, I believe him.  He came over the weekend, stayed over.  I didn’t feel the least bit attracted to him. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen him.  We still talk everyday and I think it’s ok because I only get the best parts now – I don’t have to worry if he’s faithful, about his crap family.  I don’t have to super sleuth.  Our relationship was over so long ago that our friendship started before I left.  There are lot’s of great qualities he has, but I don’t regret leaving, I will never date him again and I’m sooooo happy living on my own again.  reconnecting with my friends thinking about other things than sex addiction. Oddly, the dog seems happier too.

Interestingly, the crap December feelings are all gone now – it’s the celexa or the time off at xmas, the lack of worry and tension living with Bob or something.  I feel a great weight has been lifted?  I’m laughing more, my team at work aren’t dragging me down further and I like my job again.  I genuinely feel mentally good.  I’m surprised I feel as good as I do.

Bob misses me and struggles a bit.  Last night he text msg’ed me and said he was sorry for everything.  That was the first time I think I ever felt like he was.  When we lived together he was aalways defensive and I was always blaming him and making him feel guilty.  I think he’s had time to think about what it all means.  The addiction, the lack of feeling, emotion, intimacy…all of it.

As for Cam – I never did hear from him.  It is so odd, how do you get that emotionally close then they vanish without a word.  Very strange.  I’m over him, I miss him – but I’m done.  Truly.

So this year is about me.  Getting my finances straight, getting healthy and not dating, not having my heart stepped on, not finding losers to hurt me.  I was a strong person before Bob and now I’m ready to be again

Celexa kicked in or I’m getting me back

One or the other – not sure.  The past week I’ve felt great.  Grateful again for things in my life.  Thank God those awful thoughts have vanisjed – seriously shitty place to be in your head.  Work isn’t driving me nuts anymore – my soul sucking team is like water off my back.  Geez, they complain and are negative about everything.  Funny, what a new mind set will do. 

It’s been over a month since I moved and Bob isn’t acting out, I don’t really care if he is (I do for his sake) and we’re still friends – no anger, nothing – I feel nothing.  <sigh>

Hello New Guy – Do You Have Issues? If so, I’ll date you!

OMFG…I figured out Cam’s issue – definite fear of committment issues.  Just goes to prove that I have an issue-sniffer.  Everything was normal, good…then vanishes.  I choose the wrong people   Why???

Ex boyfriend speaks out

Ok, so this is a blog about sex addicts and partners of sex addicts.  If you’ve been following this you’ll see I found out a year ago in May that my BF is a sex addict.  He had a dirty, sordid affair with Lisa who met him in a cybersex chatroom, left the state once a month to have sex in a hotel room with my BF.  My BF and I bought a house and two months later I found out.  He was addicted to cybersex and chatted with anyone who gave good type and porn – which he even carried around on his phone.  He travelled a lot for business so who knows what else – but mind is not going to go there.

The past year and half have been mental torment – trying to figure out how I didn’t really think he would be capable of those things.  Up till then we had what I deemed a normal relationship – a good and loving one.  Am I too trusting?  He was an expert at lying – complete expert.  Lied about everything: countries he lived in, coaching soccer, finances, length of time seperated from wife and lot’s lot’s more.

I left a month ago – not because he’s a sex addict, but because he just couldn’t feel.  If he was still acting out I’d have bailed. But, I left becasue I felt alone beside him, our sex life vanished (both of us) and he could never show me he loved me.  Even when I told him I was interested in other men again.  Even when I told him I was leaving.  Even, even, even…  Being lonely in a relationship sucks, so I left.

Prior to me leaving I met a person who I became emotionally attached to – I thought he did too. We knew each other since I was 7, he was always the good guy, and he really listened and shared his feelings, his life with me for about 6 months. I didn’t leave for him nor did I move close to him to be with him.  I moved out, got my own place for me – and I like living alone.  Then almost to the day I moved out he literally vanished without a word (we never had sex, it wasn’t about money – so I don’t think he used me).  I saw him on Facebook so I know nothing tragic happened to him.  It knocked me for 6 and I’ve spent the past struggling to figure out how I didn’t know or think he would do something like that.

A-ha – I see a pattern.  I get close and people bail – conciously or sunconsciously.  I am too trusting.  I perhaps give of myself too easily.

I thought I’d stop writing this blog after I moved out, but I think perhaps this blog may help me understand why it is I choose the people I do.  I don’t come from an abusive family, I’ve had a pretty good life and a great career.  Nothing overly tragic, but apparently I make bad choices and as a shrink once asked, “where have you been and what have you done about it.” I am going to write all of my enlightenments, crazy thoughts here.  It helps me vent, I have a community of “virtual friends” with good advice and perhaps as I delve in you may see some of you here too.  I am still friends with my ex, Bob, the SA – so I can also shed some light on his recovery or decline.

Sadly, it’s been almost a year since I had sex.  I was sh**ing my pants thinking about having sex with the other guy mentioned above (I call him Cam – and no not becasue of web cams which I abhore). I cared about him and was worried that my new extra 40 lbs was awful, that Bob said I just layed there (which I didn’t but I still think about that) and if I could emotionally do it.  Sex has changed for me dramatically after leaning about sex addiction.  However, a friend called and wanted to.  We’ve been friends for years and while I thought about it I couldn’t do it for a number of reasons.

1. I felt as though I was cheating on Cam
2. I’m not sure I can do it emotionally
3. The HPV (which I got from SA) and the precancer stuff – condoms don’t protect, so the thought of a fling cannot ever enter my head again or some other woman down the line will have to have the surgeries I had or die from cervical cancer.

I asked an ex (who vanished) what it is about me and why I seem to not be the marrying kind of girl and this was his answer:

First of all “betrayed”, no one is “unmarryable”. So please stop this nonsense. You seem to be feeling down lately. You need to get back your self worth. You are a great person (and I am not just saying that) and you need to remind yourself of that. If you happen to meet jerks in life who mistreat you or take advantage of you, that by no means mean that you yourself are to blame.

In fact it should make you even more proud to be who you are. It is not easy being a decent and thoughtful person. It is not easy thinking of others and many times suppressing your whim just to be considerate. If I was there I woud slap some sense into you woman !!

I used to always ask myself the “I want to know so I can work on it” question. Though it is great to develop one’s self. You should do it because you want to and not because someone else doesn’t like something. I have used dating websites extensively and I know exactly what I need to become to be popular. However, I refuse to change who I am even if it means only 1% of the women will find value in my personality. You should stay the great person you are.

With that said, you want to change something? Get yourself out of this mood of feeling sorry for yourself. Be proud , you have many reasons for that.
I know it is not easy being single, I like you want to meet someone I can build a family with.

 

So while it was a slight ego boost, and while it seems to make sense – I am still at a loss.  I’m tired of being jealous of all of my friends with families of their own and men who love them.  I’d just settle for happy at this point.

 

Sex addict and xmas

He’s trying not to drink.  Says his primary addiction is in check – still white knuckling it.  He spending a lot of time with family and he says he’s lonely without me.  I miss his company to a certain degree – but not the relationship, the living together, his family, the city we lived in.  Nothing…

I can leave the SA, but sadly, he is alone with his SA.

Epiphanies of boyfriends past

Chatting with my friends and trying to understand what the heck happened with Cam, why I seem to choose the men I do, but more importantly why I have had a number of people just bail – without a word.

There was T, the love of my life, he bailed and never said a word.  We had a “secret” realtionship due to his kids, we worked at the same company (different offices), his age. It was months before I heard from him and a year before I got an answer.  He basically said that he fell in love with me and couldn’t take the chance on something going wrong.  He was jealous of a male friend I had and thought I had shagged him.  I didn’t.  Now we are best friends, he is my rock and the father figure I always wanted.  My life coach. 

Then there’s Patrick.  He and I only dated for a few months.  I liked him – a lot.  He had just got out of a bad marriage a few years earlier.  We were getting close and he said – he was falling in love with me so couldn’t handle it, wasn’t ready. We even went on a date a few months after – it was a good date.  He bailed – I was fine with it. 

Then there was M – he just bailed.  No idea why.

Then there was New Dude – I can’t even remember his name.  He emailed me and told me his Dad was sick and he needed to be with his  family.  I completely understood – till it was all BS.

There are more in my pile of men who have just vanished.  So the epiphanies I had…

I choose men that are loners, independent people that seem to have strength.  Bob was one of them – he didn’t vanish becasue he was never really there.

I also figured out that the men I choose seem normal but must have deep seated issues.  I don’t see why I cannot spot them.  Or is it that I do see the wounded and some part of me wants to help or make them happy – fill a void?

Do these men really almost fall in love with me? Or is it all BS.  “it’s me not you” – they think this is the kind way?  I find it hard to believe that connecting with someone  is enough to make them run. Who knows…who knows why I’m obsessively looking for answers.

My epiphany - I am not allowed to go out with independent loners.

Survived Xmas

W|ell, Xmas has now come and gone and I survived.  I felt like Billy no mates and had obligatory, charity-like invites from my team of friends.  One friend, while looking out for me made me feel like I needed help – she is sweet, but I’ve spent a lot of holidays alone – or off in another country.

I spoke to my Parents today, my Brother and my-ex (how I love saying ex) came over – I made a simple dinner and we watched movies.  It’s nice hanging out with him and listening about his family BS and thinking…I don’t have to deal with them anymore and the situation doesn’t bug me.  I enjoyed it, but thought about Cam.

CanRelate you are so right about the real part – how did you get so wise?  Cam bailed when it became real (and perhaps the challenge is gone).  Interesting.  My therapist dumped me – told me I was normal and what I felt was normal.  Whaaaat?  I know.  I’m going to try and see someone else.

Anyway, to make a long story short – my life will get better. It’s just the adjusting and you’re right MadSadWife – I wouldn’t be strenuous after an operation…so I don’t know why I expected to be like an elastic band and go back to who I was before even hearing the words sex addict!  Too right!

So, I’m going to plod along and simply wait for these crap feelings to pass, get some therapy and hopefully be a much happier person.

Thanks MAdSadWife & Canrelate – it’s nice to know you both have my back

Rollercoaster – let me off

Bob came over for the first time since I moved – to help me around the house.  Very kind.  He is a great guy with a problem and since I moved out not my problem now.  Now I can enjoy the good things about him, without the worry.  I am not in love with him – 100 percent true.  Yeah me!  I was hoping “Cam” would help instead, but he’s gone poof into thin air. 

However, I am not doing well – these rollercoaster feelings suck and I find myself starting to nest again in the house.  When I found out Bob was an SA I never left the house for 2 months – oddly.  Now, that weird feeling is creeping up again.  Never mind the not eating, weird sleeping periods and general lethargy.  It’s the Celexa or the self-loathing, insecure, me.

Disappointment – I will get through this.

Dammit, I suck – stoopid baggage

Well, I’ve been on Celexa since Sunday.  I’m only taking 1/2 a pill – I have dry mouth already and guess what?  I have already turned a corner.  I’m not sure if it’s psychosematic, or if I’m naturally feeling a bit better.  Doctor says it takes about a month to kick in and it’s only been a few days.  The gloom and panic I’ve been feeling the past few weeks has passed.  At least for today.

So, why do I suck?  I moved out from SA (yeah me!) and I feel really good about it – it’s the right thing to do.  He misses me, calls me all the time (which I’m ok with – he is a nice guy and let’s face it.  We’ve been roomates for so long, the only thing that’s changed is I live in a different house) and when I was full of gloom it was nice to have someone to talk to.  PLus, I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever – 100 percent gone.  I even told him about “Cam”

So let me tell you more about Cam.  We grew up in the same schools, he’s a couple of years older than me (I’m 39), never been married, no kids.  He is a very sweet guy, calm and sincere – super cute and I always remember him in school as the nice guy.  We’ve spent the last 6 months talking on the phone for about 3 hours a day (I commute), we’ve met for coffee a lot, seen a movie, been for dinner and really spent a lot of time getting to know one another.  We talked about everything under the sun – he knew my demons and about my disease and certainly about SA.  Cam was good for me in so many ways.  While I did have some pangs of guilt to SA for sneaking around – I knew I was leaving, he knew I was too and we both knew it was over – plus the roomate thing was brutal.  I like being single and living alone, so I know I’m not codependent – I just really liked him.

So after 6 months of emotional intimacy – the thing I craved the most, closeness – I knew he was into me.  I didn’t get it wrong,  Almost to the day of moving out he vanished without a word.  I moved on the Sat and we did have a quasi-argument on the following Tues.  If it was the argument I admit that my “baggage goggles” were the issue, but now I’m not too sure.  The issue was that I (in my super emotional and vulnerable state) didn’t think he called enough – he had some valid points as to why, but with the move and the emotional exhaution my baggage dragged me into an emotional frenzy.  I haven’t heard from him since.

So here’s the suck, I’m a loser part.  I called, text, emailed a long winded sad, sorry diabtribe of goo.  Before that he blocked me on MSN, left his vm box full, but didn’t block me on Facebook, oddly.  (If you block someone on FB it’s permanent – you have to reinvite) .  So after 2 weeks of nothing, no response – I knocked on his door determined to get an answer to why he vanished – which was ridiculous – I go knock on someone’s door who is obviously afraid of conflict.  And then I looked in the mirror and thought, “who is this needy, crazy person” – that’s not me   So yes, I’m a loser – I have baggage now, lots! 

While I wish he would call and things would go back to the way they were – precraziness – I definately need to ward off these bloody demons before getting into another relationship.  I have no idea why he vanished, that hurts – I would have been happy to just be friends with him.  Now, there’s not even that.  My friends think he just got cold feet – he’s been single for awhile, and another think it’s because I’m still friends with SA and Cam’s jealous.  Wish he would just tell me – I can handle it.  I can’t handle cruelty and this is cruel.

I’m done – I’ve made a complete fool of myself – I don’t need a man to make me happy – I have a dog!  lol.  Really, I have myself and I need to lose the bags and get back to being the old me anyway.  I would have got scared myself with Cam and sabotaged it anyway.  I was single a long time before I met SA and relationships, lack of freedom was scary at first.

I guess I think…how is it that I survived (and I really feel like I literally survived) being with a SA and then I meet someone I think is good for me and he burns me too.  What the heck have I done in my life to warrant having my heart broken over and over?  Is there no light at the end of the tunnel?

I’m Out – now chemicals

So I did it!  I left, Bob and his Brother helped me move, kindly.  I have no regrets whatsoever about leaving.  We are still friends and I have zero romantic feelings for him.  I do not feel a loss in the relationship – yay me.  He is a good person overall and I can’t reiterate enough that I didn’t leave becasue of what he did – I left because I do not think he feels anything and I do not want to be in a relationship where there is nothing but tension. I left because of teh underlying cause and his unlikliness to get real help – white knuckling and his 12 step program don’t count.  He needs deep therapy.

So why am I sad?  I met someone a few months ago – we spent hours a day talking on the phone, meeting for coffee and he was lovely.  I’ve known him since I was 7.  I trusted him, I felt supported by him and I was excited about how slowly things were going and how calm and sweet he was.   He was interested, counting the days as well.  It wasn;t about sex – we didn’t have any – it wasn’t about money…A few days after I moved out he vanished with not a word. 

Our relationship seemed emotionally intimate to me – he knew everything, my craziness, the sex addict ex and how messed up I am and he said “he knew what he was getting himself into” He seemed so calm, so accepting and then he vanished.  I’m so sad. 

My self esteem is definately shot now and I start anti-depressants tomorrow.  While I’m happy to have moved out, now I just feel so incredibly dissapointed with my life in general.  I thought “Cam” was a bit of a bright light in the darkness I’ve lived in, in the past few years. 

It’s dawned on me recently that while I share everything with my Mother, if it’s emotional then she has to go.  She cannot face my emotions.

Normally, I’m against sanity thru chemicals, but these have been the worst 2 plus years of my life and I need something to take the anger, the disappointment and the sadness edges away. 

Two days ago I wanted to die – I’d never ever do it, but it’s a shitty place in my head.  I feel as though the only hope I have is that these damn chemicals kick in soon.

Moving in a Few Weeks – fences

Well, I’m moving in a few weeks.  I admit I am still on the fence.  I do still love him – but I know this is the right thing to do.  For both of us.

The shrink I saw said his acting in, his not working his steps, his loathing of shrinks means he doesn’t want to get well at this point in time.  She said he needs to hit rock bottom.

Enough of him though…now it’s about me.  I love the way we are when we’re together and loathe the way we are when we’re apart.  I loathe the baggage – and more specifically, I loathe the way I feel when I’mwith him.  I don’t feel sexy, wanted, like a woman – I am his Mother, his roomate, his glue.  I need to look after me now.  Get well and lose the emotional baggage – and now I have a ton.  Trying to imagine not be jealous, not looking for those “SA signs”, wondering if I’ll be bored without the intense drama that’s wrapped my psyche for what seems like 30 years (only 1.5 years).

He’s afraid there’s no one to police him.  I asked what his plan is…he has none.  Enough said.

I will keep blogging here – I’ve had over 40,000 people visit this blog since I started it June 08.  I don’t blog very often now and that number just shows that there are a lot of people like us.

 

5 Quick Things I’ve Proud of This Year (in terms of being with sex addict)

Bob’s the sex addict and I am his GF – not a co-sex addict (I do not share his addiction) and not codependent.  I am just a girl, who found a boy, who had a problem and hid it exceedingly well.

1. For the past few months, maybe longer, I have stopped looking at women jealously.  There was a time where everywhere I looked, adn I mean everywhere, I only saw women who were better than me.  They may be prettier, thinner, better eyelashes, funnier, smarter – whatever.  I’m not gay, but I couldn’t stop looking at women.  I objectified them.  I’m done with that, like the headache that drove you nuts and then somehow, somewhere vanished.
2. I’ve stopped wondering if Bob’s ok and all of a sudden looked in the mirror and thought, “is this what I want?”  I’ve assessed my life and our situation.  I realize I’m unhappy and I’m leaving, but it’s not the sex addiction that’s driving me away.  It’s the cause of the addiction – a fear of intimacy.  I feel alone in a relationship – no intimacy at all.
3. I’ve stopped obsessing about Lisa (Lisa was a married hairdresser from Buffalo and drove over the border to have sex with my BF who she met in a cybersex chat room – she is obviously a sex addict to put herself at risk like that.  She also gave me pre-cancer causing HPV – via Bob) .  I still hate her, truth be told, but she does not enter my mind every hour.  I possibly think about her once a months.
4. I’m pretty sure I’ve forgiven Bob – not forgotten (I really wish I could).  It’s either forgiveness or possibly denial that it happened, but I concentrate more on why he can’t be intimate with me and less about what he’s done in the past.  I guess I’ve made the connection between most addictions coming from the same insecure and non-intimate place that his acting out really had nothing to do with me.
5. I think I’m worth it again.  I do not feel like I’m entrenched in mud and slowly flailing around looking for signs that I’m not crazy.  I’m not.  The situation was and I was broadsided – whomped with a large stick and once I tired to get up I was whomped again.  I feel attractive (still fat) but overall I think I’m not ugly nor plain.  Thank goodness that’s coming back, I joined weight watchers to get back on track.  Lose the 40 lbs that this grief awarded.  So I’m doing something.  A year ago I couldn’t leave the house and ate myself into a carb-induced oblivion.

My advice to anyone struggling…it does get better, there is some sort of light.  I remember someone told me when I started this that I did not hav eto make a decision right then, that the decision would come to me at some point.  While I prevaricate between staying or leaving still, I’m 20%/80%, I know that I am unhealthy in every way and that I need to rejuvinate and find the me that existed 3 1/2 years ago.

I’m angry, bitter and hurt, I now have baggage, I see the world and relationships so differently – I am on my guard.  I just feel cold and standoffish.  I’m not getting my needs met here.  It’s not Bob’s fault, he simply doesn’t know how to be intimate or to meet my needs.  Even when I tell him what they are, he just thinks I want him to change and then it begins again – his self-doubt.  I’m doing him no favors by staying – my shrink told me so.  He’s not ready to understand and deal with the issues.  In fairness, he has more willpower than I, he has white knuckled it for over 1.5 years – not even masturbated – and we’ve only had sex twice this year (long time ago).  It must be hard for him, but I really don’t know.  The strangers in SLAA likely know Bob better than I do – they could likely tell me, but what’s the point?  He won’t share with me so why do I want to know.

All I know is the person I believed I was in a relationship with doesn’t exist and the person I am in a relationship is a tightly locked Brinks Truck.  There is nothing I can do to help at all – the only thing I could do to help him is leave.  Maybe then he’ll want to get help, maybe he’ll fall off the wagon  – I don’t know.  One thing I do know is that I’m not really that angry anymore and that I do hope to remain friends.  I do still love Bob for a lot of reasons. 

I know implicitly that he didn’t do this to hurt me and he didn’t want this addiction, it did sneak up on him and he should be proud of his will power.  I just wish I could shake all of his hurt out of him and hug him…I can’t he has to do it on his own.

If he falls off the wagon, I’m not sure how I’ll feel, but one thing I do know is the next year is all about me.

Imago test great for partners of sex addicts and sex addicts alike, well everyone really

Shrink says I’m not co-dependent – I never really thought I was, but I had some doubts.  Woohoo…she says I’m just traumatized and that with some personal work I could get over this too. 

She gave me homework called Imago and stated that you didn’t have to have had an “abused”  childhood to do it.  She said it may be painful and that most people get something out of it.  I certainly got a lot out of it – I came from what I deem to be a normal, british family.  I qualify British (I’ve lived in North America, most of my life) because it is an inherent part of my culture – not to speak unless spoken too, children should be seen not heard, we never talk about feelings).  I looked online for the test and couldn’t find it – so I will transcribe mine here.  I’ll also tell you what I learned.

Finding Your Imago Test

Introduction:  In a relaxed and safe state, recall your childhood memories of your caretakers.  It is important that you think as a chold and recall your caretakers as they were when you were a child and not as they are today.  Create a basic chart. On the top , list the positive characteristics of each caretaker (B). On the bottom, list the negative characteristics and put an (A). Use adjectives such as, warm, strong, cold, distant, and/or use phrases such as never there, always there, not dependable, not available emotionally.

Here’s my example:

(B) (the positive characteristics):

Female                                                 Male

Kind & giving                                     Dependable

Dependable                                        Intelligent

Always There                                    Structured

Dutiful

(A.)  (Negative characteristics)

Female                                                Male

Manipulative                                    Emotionally unavailable

Own Agenda                                      Cold

Never There  Emotionally           Insular

Invasive/disrespectful                 Dutiful

Controlling                                         Denial

                                                                 Critical

                                                                  Never there emotionally

 

(C.)  What I wanted most as a child was: ___________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

(mine: a sense of belonging, interested in my needs and wants, trust, a belief in my abilities, a guide to the future, dependable and routine/structure, independence, closeness, love, respect, basic needs, emotional stability)

Childhood Frustrations

Create 2 columns one called frustrations and the other called response(s).  List any recurring childhood frustrations such as “did not get listened to” “no one knew I was being hurt” ‘had to take care of parents or siblings”.  On the right, list how you responded to these frustrations.  This should be how you felt AND your behavioural response (i.e. what you did.).

Frustrations                                                        Response(s) – (E)

(mine)

Controlled                                                                 felt stiffled so I rebelled and manipulated

Not Heard                                                                  my vote never counted, so I internalized

My family showed no emotion                          found solace with friends – hid my emotions with family

 Felt lonely                                                                 no intimacy. felt alone, independent, outside friendships important

Manipulated                                                              manipulated back, argued, internalized, controlled      

Positive Childhood Memories

Create the same chart as frustrations, but label the headings memories (left) and then feelings (right)  (D).

List your positive childhood memories.  This can be specific memories such as “going to the shore in 1960″ or “the annual picnic at grandma’s house.” On the right, list the feelings you associated with each memory.

Memories                                                                            Feelings (D)

(mine)

I have none – which I’m exploring.  However, I don’t have any bad memories either.  I have issues remembering my childhood.  No abuse, just unclear as to why.  We used to sing in the car, play games, read books – really normal kid stuff, but I don’t remember them exactly.  Hard to explain.

So then you come up with the analysis/statement

My Imago

Using the information above from finding your imago and childhood frustrations/positive memories sheets complete the sentences below:  The letters in parentheses (letters) correspond to these and tell you from where to transcribe the information:

I am trying to get a person who is (A)_____________________________transcribe from (a – negative characteristics)__________________________________________________________________

To always be (B) _____________________________________________transcribe from (b- positive characteristics)__________________________________________________________________

So that I can get (C)___________________________________________(c – what i wanted most as a child)___________________________________________________________________________

And feel (D)_________________________________________________(d – feelings from positive childhood experiences)_____________________________________________________________

I stop myself from getting this sometimes by (E)____________________(e- responses to childhood experiences) _____________________________________________________________________

It’s really quite amazing what you learn about yourself.  I’ll write another post about what I personally learned.

Here’s a short online test – it puts in the answers and groups your caretakers as a whole (I personally think taking the time to write yours out before doing this because it puts words in your mouth): http://66.113.180.235/Carol/partner.cfm

 

Here’s a clinical paper if you want to learn more about Imago: http://www.helpforrelationships.org/docs/Imago%20and%20Research.pdf

 ’The purpose of marriage is to finish your childhood. And if you finish your childhood, you will live happily every after.” “What I know for Sure,” Oprah magazine, March 2002, page 216. Signed by Oprah Winfrey.

HPV, Pre-cancer round 2

I forgot to write a post about this so I’ll sum it up here.  As you may be aware I contracted HPV, human papilloma virus – genital warts (i don’t have warts), from Bob and had a LEEP procedure to remove the precancer in my cervix back in Feb/March.

Well 3 months later I went back to ensure that the cells had gone back to normal.  I found out your cervix grows back.  But that mine had the precancer again.

I had to go through another traumatizing removal of part of my cervix again. 

I go in a few weeks to see if this time the cells are normal in my cervix.  This time they better be!  Dammit!

FOR ALL SEX ADDICTS OUT THERE – HPV IS SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT, ORAL, INTERCOURSE, ANAL, ANYTHING CAN EXPOSE YOU TO THIS.  IT IS NOT BASED ON FLUIDS BUT SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT.  CONDOMS DO NOT PROTECT YOU OR YOUR OTHER PARTNERS FROM THIS – THERE IS SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT OUTSIDE OF THE CONDOM.  I COULD DIE IF I DON’T GET CHECKED EVERY 6 MONTHS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Permission to be confused

 I went to one on one therapy last week.  My brain is driving me nuts..what should I do?  Why am I so weak?  Why would I want my friends to leave their partners if they were in this situation and yet I can’t?  Am I making a mistake leaving?  Are my expectations too high (sex addiction aside)?  Why was I attracted to a sex addict?  How did I not know?  How will I know the next time?  Will my jealousy always be like this?  How will I ever trust? Why am I still so confused? 

So the shrink had a great comment.  She said, “It’s like this…you said it was the best relationship you ever had, you bought a house together with the right expectations, you had hope for the future based on your relationship that far.  You had reasonable expectations – knowing that it wasn’t going to be all white picket fences.  Then two months in everything you thought about Bob, everything you thought about the relationship, everything you had hoped for was jerked away and you were stood in the middle of an intersection with cars swirling past you in all directions.”

“Everything you hoped for – gone…but guess what, “you still wanted to believe that there was hope and the person you knew was in there and you have grieved the loss of what you knew and what you hoped for – you’re still grieving.”

Then she said something that really hit home…anyone in your shoes would be confused, anyone in your shoes would be shocked and anyone in your shoes would be where you are right now – it;s completely normal to be confused and when you’re ready, there will be some clarity – don’t rush it.”

She gave me permission to be confused and that helped – I was so completely angry at myself for always standing on the precipice for the past year and a half.  For hoping things would be ok, for hoping I would make a decision on whether to stay or leave, on what I felt, if I should trust my intuition, my thoughts and feelings.

It’s good I still feel hope in any regard.  This must mean that I haven’t lost myself entirely – but what I learned is that it’s completely ok that I’m  confused.

Undecided, confused and finally getting therapy

Well…so here’s the thing…

I found a house, accepted it and the landlords were VERY nice people.  Thought the house isn’t great, but I can decorate it and it’s my own space.  I was supposed to give them cheques and I panicked – tears gushing, sobs, insecurity, complete and utter confusion, and all of a sudden I realized something.

I have blamed Bob for everything – for my weight gain, for my financial situation, for my complete and utter misery, for my lack of a sex life and a lot more.  I realized that I have not been intimate with him in any way either apart from bitching, nagging, microscoping/snooping and blaming.  It’s been tense – crazy tense and he is not the only cause.

I was completely together, cold and disjointed and now I allowed emotion to creep in and I’m shocked to see the bitch looking back at me.  Now, I’m confused – unsure what to do.

My friends say I have rejection issues and a whole lot of other issues.  Not sure why the rejection, but I was ok moving out until Bob said he was ready for me to move out too – then the panic.  They may be on to something.  My friends also said that once the challenge is gone, I get bored and move on.  It’’s more like I would never want to be a member of a club who would have me as a member.  I definately don’t think I’m co-dependent, but I do think I have heavy issues.  It’s been more like an even keeled summer so I could be bored.  Who knows?  But I’m going to find out…and I’m not leaving.  I’m mad at myself for the indecision and I need to bring in a professional.

I’ve booked therapy – one on one next week and I’ve resolved to stop snooping and I’m going to go to weight watchers to lose the 40 lbs and I’m planning to reconnect with my friends, properly.  Go out more.

For all the partners out there I have to say that Bob hasn’t acted out in the past year and a half (since he got caught) – not even masturbation.  He is strong willed and he really values his group.  He was sceptical at first.

We’ll see how things go.  I need to fix me before anything else.

Sad.

I’m sad today.  I’ve started to look for places to live.  I’m sad because I can’t find anything with wow factor.  I guess it’s hard to go from home owner to -at the landlord’s mercy – renter again.

I’m sad because Bob can’t be the person I want him to be or the person I thought he was.  Bob does entertain me, he is kind and sweet and really looks after me in a lot of ways.   However, I’ve told him my needs.  I need affection, I need emotional intimacy, I need to feel like a girlfriend and not a Mother/Sister.  I even told him that I was thinking about someone else.  All I get is complacency.  All I wanted was for him to step up to the plate and engage – not just white knuckle his addiction and his feelings.

Poo.

Interestingly I’m not leaving cause of his acting out – but because of his acting in.  Tears now…write more later

Textbook Partner of Sex Addict – On The Cusp of my Own Affair

I have reconnected with someone I used to know.  All of the books I’ve read show that there is a large number of partners of sex addicts that have affairs.  I am possibly on the cusp of being that person.  I feel guilty and don’t know if I can go through with it.  But I think about it – I think about him – and I think about Bob.

It would be so physically easy to have an affair – if there’s a will there’s a way.  I know he’s interested. I do actually get asked out a lot.  Since Bob’s addiction has reared it’s head – May 08 – I haven’t even looked at another man, let alone thought about getting to know someone.  I should preface that by saying that I haven’t really looked at another man since we met – Aug 06.

In fact the men that have stared at me, asked me out or flirted with me I’ve felt really disgusted about.  It’s not they they were unattractive or smelly – I just thought, they were all deviants and all they wanted was sex.  I see the world differently post addiction.

Now this new guy, we’ll call James, has confused the hell out of me.  I wonder about the greener grass – what life would be like without a partner’s sexual addiction, without wondering if my partner is remotely attracted to me (we’ve had sex twice since Feb – sexual anorexia?  Non attracted?), – I guess I wonder about a fresh start.  It would be nice to not feel like a bitch, like super sleuth and really get on with my life and return back to confident, nice me.  I treat him like crap – I don’t mean to, but I hurt, my mind swims and I have more and more questions.  (I still don’t get it.) And I feel horrible for being that person.

This affair cusp has really thrown me for a loop emotionally.  I could possibly try to live a double life if my damn conscience wasn’t on board.  Knowing that it could be so easy is also really emotionally traumatizing in the fact that for all I know Bob is still acting out and never stopped.  I think about both of them and I weigh them both on a scale.

I wonder if I’m looking for the way out.  Truth is I’m unsure if I really like this guy or if it’s the fact that he’s really nice to me.  That he pays me attention.  That he could be someone that wouldn’t cheat or hurt me.  Then I think maybe he will be an addict too – the books say that you have a type and I never want to meet an addict again.

Or maybe I’m looking for an answer to get out of this. I haven’t met this guy in 20 years and I’m not certain if I’m even attracted to him or if it simply feels like a new/old friend – who pays attention to me.  Bob I guess is more involved with himself and I feel emotionally and physically neglected. 

 The other thing is that I have a sexually transmitted disease that Bob gave me, the strain of cancer causing HPV – that condoms don’t protect so it’s skin to skin.  Whoever I sleep with going forward must be told.  They could get it and pass it on.  I don’t want to be responsible for someone else going through the surgeries I’ve had or worse.

I also don’t want to lead James on – I’ve been honest with him completely about my situation.  About where I am mentally.  About my living arrangements, etc.  He says, “there’s no rush.”  He is really lovely and understanding.

What I should do is stop talking to him, stop thinking about him and really just try and figure out this mess, get mentally healthy and then do something – leave and get my own place or stay and work this out.

Affairs are not the answer.  The angst I have felt since reconnecting with James may not be worth it.  On the upside it’s made my self esteem better, made me look at Bob and appreciate some things, and I’m losing some of the 40 lbs I’ve gained in the past year.  I don’t want to hurt anybody  - James or Bob.

I’m lost

I don’t know if I can ever forgive Bob for what he’s done.  Perhaps an affair isn’t the answer right now, but maybe it is.  I feel so holed up in this mire of someone else’s addiction – it’s nice to feel a breath of fresh air.

Thoughts?

Partner of sex addict, “Can I be any more confused?”

Dammit, I’m so confused.  I have no idea who I am anymore, truly and I’m not the damned sex addict.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but I am trying to come to a conclusion.  I haven’t left, but I want to – I haven’t stayed emotionally, but I want to…what the heck???

I was an impulsive person – always made decisions – wrong ones on occassion, but at least I sh*t or got off.  No I’m just floating in there. Like crap. Beside crap.

Here’s the thing.  I do not know if I stay in this relationship for the right reasons. I do REALLY enjoy Bob’s company.  However, we’ve only had sex twice (and not great) since my first surgery (for the pre-cancer gained from his affair – thanks for the HPV STD) in Feb or March.  I had surgery again a couple of weeks ago – it came back and they removed even more of my cervix.  So sex was out for 6 weeks.

The sex isn’t the big deal.  In fact I don’t even know if I want him to touch me anyway.  There is no touching, pretty much, now.  No hugs, kisses, hand on the shoulder – nothing.  I get no affection. None for days.

I think we’ve turned into roomates.  He thinks he has sexual anorexia.  When we met he massaged my back for about an hour every night for months and months.  Now, I can’t remember the last time.  I bring it up all the time – he says the reason he doesn’t touch me is becasue it’s work.  I kid you not.  After everything he thinks making me feel good is work.

So as my silver tongue snarks, “You spent how much time arranging and going to see Lisa (the slut he had an affair with), spent hundreds of hours a month for 2 years seeking out women and cybersexing, chatting on the phone, etc.  THAT WASN”T WORK!  But, rubbing my back is.”

Plus my back is hurting because I have my period with half a f’in cervix – the second time round surgery hurts a hell of a lot more than the first and you can’t have a hot bath for 3 weeks after.

So back to my point.  I was asked out a couple of weeks ago.  I thought about it.  I thought two things.  I have a “get out of jail free card” – what could he say if I had an affair?  Then I thought about my old “living on my own life” and thought I should just leave – this isn’t what I want from my life.

So I feel like we’re roommates, there’s no affection, I’m not even certain he is attracted to me, and for the first time in a long time I’m interested in other men, I see men again and not just the women around me.  But, he is good to me in a lot of ways and we are great companions.

So here’s a bit of dilemma and why I’m confused about me…

In the past usually around the 3rd year I lose interest and go through this same mental state (this is the third guy I’ve lived with) – should I stay or go?  Then…with the sex addiction I can justify it.  But then I feel guilty – I know he’s a mess and I know he can’t afford the house on his own.  Then I think what if I get a bigger loser next time?  What is wrong with me that I attract losers?  How the hell will I ever trust?

I have no issue with being single – I liked my life, I liked my own pkace and yes, while there are lonely moments – I have fond memories of it.  But I never want to be in this mental place ever again.  So do I turn into a lifelong spinster?  Do I become the definition of jealousy (oh wait I already am) with someone new?  What the hell.

The guy that asked me out is really nice – was I thinking about it because he gave me the attention I crave, “please think I’m pretty, please think I’m special” – or do I genuinely like him or am I looking for an exit?

Argggggggggghhhh…maddening

PLus, the worst part is I feel guilty for even thinking about it or talking to him.

I’m soooo confused.  Where did decisive me go?  How can one person ruin me?  How did I let it happen?

Then I think, what would that guy think if he knew I stayed with a sex addict for over a year after I found out, after he gave me pre-cancer, after he has sucked me into his debts…

duh