Ouch, yuck, scream, panic…
A month ago it all came out that my boyfriend is a sex addict. He’s addicted to cybersex, masterbation and he’s had an affair. That is the stuff he’s admitted to. He’s hidden the other self for so long that I am unclear as to what to believe. There could be more.
He was married for 15 years and didn’t have a sex addiction per se. He has admitted to a likely masterbation addiction from a young age. He was faithful to his wife, didn’t cyber and I have corroborated the story.
We’ve been together for 2 years – we just bought a house together about 3 months ago. I do love him, well the day-to-day person I know. I’m confused, angry, sad and feel every emotion out there. It changes hourly.
The first year we were together he was meeting someone he met in the intimate section of Lavalife, who he cybersexed with – in hotel rooms, unbeknownst to me. The woman was married and has two kids. They met 6 times over the course of a year.
He also desperately searched cybersex sites and erotic chat websites for someone to chat with during the first year and a half of our relationship. And he looked at porn, lots of porn…nothing illegal or even hard core. He paid and downloaded images from websites to huge external storage drives. He even bought software (Nero) for his phone to upload images/slideshows to carry it with him.
We’re seeing a couples counsellor, we originally started going because of his lying and my snooping and then this avalanche descended. I’m going through every emotion including feeling weak for not leaving. I’ve read about co-dependent behavior and as much as I’d like to say, “that’s not me” it seems it is.
Anyway, I started this blog because I can’t find any information from people who have gone through this apart from posts here and there on message boards. Not a day in the life.
I’m hoping other people will comment (you can do it anonomously) from both sides, the sex addict and the betrayed.
All the Best,
Me
Filed under: 1. Cybersex Addiction, 2. Masterbation Addiction, 3. Pornography Addiction, 4. Sex Addiction, 5.4 - 3 Months After Discovery, 7. Counselling for Sex Addiction, 8. Sex Addiction Research & Resources, 9. About My BF, 9.8 Ouch! | Tagged: 1. Cybersex Addiction, 2. Masterbation Addiction, 3. Pornography Addiction, addiction counselling, affairs, betrayed, boyfriend affair, co-dependendent, computer addiction, cyber sex addiction, cybersex, erotic chat, erotic chat addiction, master bation addict, masterbation addict, online addict, online addiction, porn addiction, sex addict, understanding cybersex addiction
I feel for you. I’ve been with my fiance for almost 4 years and we have 2 children together. We haven’t gotten married because there was always something that didn’t seem right. One night I was trying to emailing a site while doing wedding research and his webmail popped up. Thinking nothing I went to send an email from his box with something caught my eye.. the words “cock sucker”.. I was confused and of course curious. When I opened and read through the email about 5 times I realized that the conversations were between 2 men. I was in disbelief. I read all emails in his inbox, there were many from men. Apparently he had been answering personal adds with interest in performing oral sex. After hearing lie after lie we ended up seeing 3 different counselors. The final one basically walked us through healing and focusing on building our relationship. So.. here I sit only a year later in the same mess. I went out of town for a weekend and sensed something wasn’t right so I logged on to his email, sure enough the whole weekend he was on personal adds with the same interest. I came home and moved my self and our children out while he was at work, I had to get out of there just to gather my thoughts. This time he has been a little more honest with the situation, at least owning up to doing it. He has said that it’s not just men that he talks to, anybody that’s entertaining. He swears he’s not gay but that’s the thought that worries me. He says it’s an addiction that he’s been battling for the past 8 years and that he wants help. We’re having a hard time finding a good counselor. We’re seening a sex therapist for couples counseling but she’d rather us focus on our relationship and replace bad habbits with healthy ones together. I really don’t know what to think of that, I’m not finding any comfort in this. I’m back at the house because it became easier with the kids to not seperate them but I’m not sure it’s the best decision.I don’t know how I can regain trust and stop questioning his sexual orientation?
Your fiance needs a therapist whose specialty is sex addiction, and he needs to go to SA meetings. He has an addiction. Until he admits to that fact, and then surrenders to getting help for himself…no sex therapist can help your relationship…actually the repair for your relationship can’t really even begin until he starts on his road to recovery…. Get a therapist for yourself, fast. You need support, esp b/c you need to be a mommy. Best of Luck, I know waht your going thru!
I feel like I’ve found the site that’s going to save my sanity! I completely understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately, we haven’t even reached the therapy part. My problem is getting him to realize just how bad his addiction is. My boyfriend has cheated on me with 4-5 different women and 3 of them multiple times. I feel just as dumb as most women in this situation and ANGRY for not leaving him. Is it so co-dependent to believe the best out of people you love with all your heart? Is it so bad to believe they can be better and want to be there when it happens? I don’t know. Maybe I’m co-dependent and in denial.
I can’t offer any insight, but I can definitely say I understand and feel your pain. Thank you so much for sharing!
Hi Ashlee,
Thanks for your kind words. This sucks. I’m not great with advice – I go back on my own all the time.
However, I will say that you need to think about what you want from the relationship, what your boundaries are, etc. If he is still doing this stuff then he’s not mentally in place to give you the love and attention you deserve.
We’re all not perfect, we all have issues – but with Bob I know he’s trying and he knows what he’s done and what will happen if he acts out again. He’s a mess right now. I don’t know if I can ever truly forgive him, but I know that I’ll likely never stop snooping.
I’d ask him if he’s willing to go to couples counselling or if he’ll read some books, maybe take the sex addict test.
One thing is for sure and I’m sorry to say this – you need to get tested for STDs. I’ve had many, many people email me and tell me they have contracted STDs after years and years of marriage. I don’t want to scare you, but your health is important. HPV can cause cervical cancer…DEFINATELY use condoms.
When Bob gets past the celibacy stage we’ll be using condoms again – which is sad to me because I spent my whole life using them, thought he was the one, we were trying to have a baby and now everythings a mess.
If he’s not willing to go to couples counselling then you should still go somewhere on your own. Whether it’s one on one counselling or to a COSA meeting just to meet with people in your situation – who won’t judge.
I feel for you, I really do. It’s hard to love someone who can do this to us, but we do. It’s nice to believe we have faith in humans and that love prevails sometimes.
There is a great book out there called The Truth About Love. Also, there’s some good online material listed to the left.
All the Best!
i am so glad to hear that other woman are going through the same thing. although my boy friend has never cheated that i know of,
he is addicted to masterbating to online web cams with girls. it’s so bad , i’m sleeping in the room right beside him, while he is doing this. it;s been four years of this , and i am not sure what to do. i love him way to much to leave him, but i can’t take the lies of him saying he isn’t doing it, (when i catchhim), i have tried to have sex with him more, even when im not in the mood, and i have asked him to stop a 1000 times-get help, anything. our sex now has become really short, i think he is also suffering from premature ejaculation (spelling?) caused by the masterbation addiction.what do i do? does anyone have any suggestions?
im going through the same sort of thing. My boyfriend is joining these personal add sites and messaging women saying they are gorgeous and have sexy bodies and even engaging in cyber sex with them. I knew he looked at pics on the internet but i only found out about the rest last week. Iv never been more hurt in my life. all i could think of is what did i do or not do to him. I confronted him and we almost broke up. but he apologised and promised he would never do anything like it again cause he didnt want to lose me. Iv no doubt that he does love me, but i know he is not going to stop and it h urts so bad.
anyways its nice to know im not the only one in this situation!!!!!
My boyfriend…better said….ex-boyfriend starting today, told me last night that he had been masturbating to porn on line. This came up after I brought up the issue of him having problems getting hard while we are having sex (which is usually me doing all the work). He said he has been masturbating with online porn. He was addict before we met (1 year ago) and due to his return to the Catholic church he stopped. Well, the guilt the church imposed on him did not last. This is my first time experiencing something like this. It is so sad. Reading your comments has given me new insight….. 1. He will not change for me 2. he needs help 3. its not about me 4. a lot of things make sense now. He has issues deeper than what I can help him out with. I need to help myself at this point. I really felt for him but I just realized how grateful I am that we did not marry. I am grateful for the year we shared when he was not doing this and I am glad it ended before we had a mortgage to share or kids to divide. As per the law of attraction…I need to think and resolve what part of me attracted an unavailable men??!! I am making myself responsible for attracting this into my life.
Hey girl with a revelation-GOOD FOR YOU!
Cybersex may or may not be detrimental to a relationship, it all depands on your partmer and how tolerant he or she is. I will be getting married soon and I also engage in cybersex because it helpse get in the mood. My fiance has come in on occasion and found me on my computer and has said to me that she like to se me turned on. I have erectile disfunction so I need the extra boost that cybersex gives me. I has nothing to with any diminished caring or love for my mate it has to do with extra stimulation. I think the world of her, but cybersex helps me satisfy her needs and does not distract from that. For me the key is patience and understanding.
You likely have dysfunction because you can only get off to your fantasies not reality. You likely objectify the fantasy and the real life doesn;t measure up to your unreachable ideal.
In most cases sex addicts actually love their wives, but can’t perform with them because they do love them. Sex isn’t love and love isn’t sex.
You’re deluding yourself and your partner.
I caught my fiance back in March. I forgave him because I thought I loved him and everyone deserves a second chance. I told him that I believe cheating begins in the heart and what he is doing with those random women is something he should be doing with me only. I don’t think he’s cheated physically but now I’m not so sure.
I snooped again just a couple of weeks ago and saw the emails and old chat logs. When I confronted him about it, he said he was scouting women for his brother. WTF? Like your brother is going to want to date a woman that you masturbated in front of? What hurt the most is that he still lied to me after I asked him about it.
As the saying goes…fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It hurts so much I don’t think I can love him anymore. I certainly can’t trust him like a wife should a husband. Just know that you are not alone.