My BF is a sex addict – here’s my background…

I’ve spent 2 years with a sex addict and didn’t know it.  I knew something was up.  Blamed it on my jealousy/trust issues, but reality is I just didn’t trust my intuition – thought I was crazy.

So me…

I’m 38, have had 3 five year relationships, never been married, no kids. 

I have an eating disorder which is pretty much under control, except when I’m stressed. I know my eating disorder started before I was 12 years old as I have diaries dating back and I think I’m fat then. I went to therapy, group therapy and ”quit” the puking and ex-lax addiction over 12 years ago.  (I thought everyone took ex-lax then).  I still think about food all the time.  I know what I’m eating the next day before I go to bed, what I’m having for lunch before I’ve even had my morning coffee and when I lost my job recently (the company closed) my first thoughts were, “wow, I have a crap haircut and I’ve gained weight – how am i going to get a job.”  I know that’s illogical thinking as I’m an expert in my field.  My mood for the day is always based on how I look for the day, the confidence I give when presenting are based on how my hair is or how loose my clothes are – you get the picture.  So the “addiction” is still there, but I choose not to puke or take ex-lax. 

I do however still eat emotionally and when I found out that Bob had an affair, was addicted to cybersex and masterbation and porn – the last 6 weeks have been filled with me not eating when he’s not home and eating a massive amount of carbs (which I usually monitor) as soon as he walks through the door.  My issue is obviously control.  Control of what I eat when I feel out of control. 

So I understand addiction to a certain degree, what scares me is that Bob is a sex addict and I am a food addict.  If I think about food before I go to bed then is he thinking about sex.  I cheat all the time on my perpetual diet feel the disgust and the shame.  Will he do the same?  I know how all consuming addiction can be – for goodness sake, when we go on an adventure for the day – I know where we’re stopping for food.  I get a rush when I eat Big Macs, but feel like crap for days after…

My family of origin… we’re stereotypical Brits living in North America.  I’ve been in North America since I was 5, but spent every summer in the UK so I feel like I grew up in both places.

I’m adopted.  I have an adopted older Brother who I don’t get along with since we are so completely different – but we still have each other’s backs when push comes to shove.  I was in foster care till I was 6 months old.

Nature vs. nuture.  I met my birth family in the UK over 10 years ago.  My birth Mother and I are very much alike.  I feel incredibly grateful for my adopted family and I do not have any issues with being adopted.  In fact, I’m quite proud of the fact and my adopted Mother is my best friend.  My adopted Father is emotionally unavailable. I don’t feel one way or the other for my birth Father or my birth siblings. My birth Mother and I are friends, but there is a falseness to her which I don’t like.  There also seems to be a lot of secrets with her.

I grew up normally.  My Mom lived through me and my Parents were very strict.  I went through many stages growing up from being a Punk, to a bible basher, to who knows what else.  I think I was just rebellious due to the parental strictness and insecurity.  I was horribly insecure until I hit about 30.

Tramatic moments in my life included being violently raped at 15 by my cousin and his friend.  I never really had my first kiss before then and I was unconcious for a time and someone bit parts of my labia, which I had to get stitched.  I never told anyone until I was 18.  I wrote a “hypothetical” essay about the experience, which was theraputic, and my teacher (who I was close with) guessed.  I told him and he kissed me.  My best friends Dad used to feel me up as long as I can remember and a few other people and my art teacher groped me in the back room.  All of these things really haven’t left that much of an impact on my life, but I can say I was semi-frigid until I was in my 30’s.

I had 13 friends die in a year and half when I was 17 / 18 and that messed me up a bit – went from party girl to bible thumper.  But soon got over that and laugh about it now.

My adopted Mom told me sex was dirty but I was rebellious and never really put any credence in that.  My Mom also says that I was independent from the day I was born and that I brought myself up and most of my child/teenage years I didn’t really want them.

I was on Student’s council, I danced, acted and sang.  I was popular in school.  Dated every guy I ever wanted in High School and really enjoyed my high school years. 

I dated a physically abusive guy in my last year (out of guilt because his Brother – a very close friend of mine- killed himself) and stayed with him for months after the first beating.  It seems I am always attracted to men that come from messed-up homes.  I don’t understand why – my family was normal and I’ve lived a fairly normal life.

Since this sex addiction stuff with my current boyfriend I realize that most of my relationships have been with addicts:

• my last 5 year relationship: he was in rehab for valium addiction and I think he may have been a cutter, before I met him.  His Mom brought home abusive men all the time and his Dad was absent.
• the 5 year relationship before that didn’t have an addiction – but had issues because his family were political refugees.
• the 5 year before that was a horribly abusive relationship, near the end physically.  He was addicted to fishing.  Seriously.  We lived together and he spent about 1 hour a month with me and I went and got his kid every other weekend while he was out fishing.  I stayed 4 years too long.  Co-dependent?
• I also cheated on every guy I’ve ever been with.  I didn’t have long affairs, more like flirty flings.  I know it was based on self esteem issues and someone saying the right thing at the right time.
• I’ve stayed friends with every guy I’ve ever dated.

I was single for about 5 years before I met Bob and the most confident I’ve ever been.  I do have a great career, great family and great friends and I feel grateful every day.  I dated sporadically, but no one really caught my fancy.

During the 2 years before I met Bob I “skanked around’ while dating on Lavalife.  I dated 24 guys the first year – slept with about 6 or 7 and the second year was about 15 and slept with 8 or 9.  Never on first dates.  There were a couple of times I had sex on the second date and I knew I didn’t want to see them again.  It felt good at the time and even now I don’t feel anything bad about it or good.  It just happened.

I have people tell me all the time I look like Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux.  (except right now cause I need to loose 20 lbs – see there’s the eating disorder)

Sexually (before I found out about the sex addiction) -  I’ll try anything pretty much as long as I feel safe and loved.  I’m no way a prude.  My friends and I discuss things from bowel movements to sex tips, etc. so we’re all pretty much open books.  I’m a guy’s gal too – I can joke around with the best of them.

I’m intelligent – I make over 100k a year in a niche field and I’ve got 4 degrees. I’m sarcastic and witty.

Pretty normal overall.  Had some bad stuff happen to me, but it’s all in perspective.  I have an eating disorder and now I have a sex addict boyfriend.  Who I love and don’t know if I can leave.

If you have any Q’s about me – just ask in the comments section.