It’s been a year – feels like 10. I look 10 years older – I really do. I’ve gained 40 lbs and I blame Bob for it. In fact I blame Bob for anything that’s gone wrong in my life. Although he feels so guilty he takes it and I have my own scapegoat.
I hate who I’ve become sometimes.
Including the fact that I look at all the women around and decide they are so much better than I, prettier, sexier, smarter – whatever. I stare at them so much I don’t even look at men now. I’d make a great lesbian or a great artist of female portraits. In fact there’s a lovely gal at work, but she’s pretty so I don’t like her.
I used to be one of the guys gals laughing at dirty jokes, ok with porn, an adventerous person in bed, random sex partners when I was single – I liked sex. Now I’m almost digusted by the pathetic-ness of it all. I could live my life without sex completely. In fact I so loathe it I am disgusted by fashion ads. I have turned into a prude.
I wonder if other people I know are sex addicts. Friends tell me about their boyfriends and I think…oh, I wonder if they are having an affair.
Speaking of affairs…I’ve never gotten over his affair with Lisa. Any time Bob tries to touch me I see Lisa and I see how pathetic sex addiction is, how weak it is and how absolutely moronic sex addiction really is.
I see Bob as a weak person now and I have become his Mother. I don’t want a subordinate I want an equal.
As for Bob…
He hasn’t acted out since May 08 -so he says. I want to believe him, but I can’t. Instead when we start getting close I push him away. I guess I have the intimacy issue now. I have snooped like hell and have found nothing whatsoever. But, I can look at things 50 ways and it doesn’t matter if I don’t find evidence I can think of ways he could get around it.
He looks like hell too – he’s definately depressed. Have I made his life hell? Yep.
He says he’s going to see a one on one therapist – his 12 step group is working out really well for him. He never misses a week and he sponsors some others. There’s about 9 people in his group and most have porn and chat room addiction as their primary addiction.
Why do I stay? I do love him. I enjoy his company and I’ve looked back at most of my relationships and figured out that most of relationships were a bit messed-up. Not like this, but none the less. I learned in RCA that you will repeat the pattern and I need to figure out what’s wrong with me that I look for people with issues. In fact, there’s a guy at work that I didn’t fancy until he told me that his brother died – then I fancied him. Yikes…sob story = fancy.
The way I get through this is that I have made an emphatic pact with myself that I will leave if anything goes wrong, he slips or acts out. If nothing else, our weak partners should be able to stop if only because they know they’ve hurt us and what it will cost – now that it’s out in the open. He hurts me again I’ll ruin his life and I’ll leave. Bitter? Me? lol…
The way I see it is they have an intimacy issue and if they can’t share their feelings with us now that their demons have showed then they are not intimate. Nothing’s changed except the heartache we’ve suffered.
I’ll give more of an update soon. I won’t leave it so long.
Filed under: 1. Cybersex Addiction, 2. Masterbation Addiction, 3. Pornography Addiction, 4. Sex Addiction, 5. Affairs Addiction, 5.3 Partners of Sex Addicts, 6.0 The Other Woman, 8.Sex & Love, 9. About My BF, Sex Addiction Recovery Stories | Tagged: affair addiction, partner of sex addict, sex addiction
I feel the same way you do but having a hard time understanding all this SA stuff. You would think at 47 living outside the box he would have told me so that I could have helped him. They just don’t get us do they.
Not all of us leave, shouldnt we get credit for that, for loving them more than the pain they cause us for trying to understand them even when we thought we did.
I have just found out but know something was going on and had to push to find out what was wrong. This is craziness. Your post was a way to look in the future for myself and very helpful. Thank you so much. Never thought I would say this but I am standing right next to you living the same life and I feel you pain
I am 8 months post-discovery. I check your site and a few others off and on. Sometimes I cannot stomach the sheer pathetic nature of this topic.
Think about the heights of human achievement. Think about your hopes and dreams for yourself and your image of connecting with a romantic partner.
This is just all so low and base and such a fricking waste of life. These so called “sex addicts” spending their lives trying with all their might to resist the urge to masturbate like a chimp at the zoo (or worse). Are you kidding me??!!
No working for a cause. No finding a cure for cancer. No creating great art. Just fighting the battle of the genitals!
There I go again with my mouth. That’s the kind of talk that got me kicked off the “mainstream codie” sites (codie = what a pathetic term – makes me think of cooties). Bunch of BS if you ask me – - all about the inner children, steps, triggers… Buck the hell up and be a decent human and an adult. Oh yeah, and if you are not with a decent person ladies = run like the wind.
So anyway, the reason I’m writing… I have had a bit of an opposite reaction to you. It sounds like you are adding weight and expressing the feeling that you are feeling “less of a woman… less feminine.”
I have always been a work horse. I am decent looking but practical. I always wanted to save for the future – - never spending excessive amounts of money on frivilous girly things. Well, since I discovered and kicked the pervert out, I have been making up for lost time. After discovering that this deviant was spending close to $1k per day on prostitutes and strippers while I was working like a dog year after year… Oh yeah, the piece of s*** was embezzling money from me too – - to use on his filthy habits. Well, I almost cannot help but indulge myself in whatever sort of feminine consumer goods.
Unlike you, I lost my appetite completely and probably lost about 40 pounds. For the first time in my entire life, at middle age, when I see purses, shoes, coats, sweaters, scarves, jewelry, perfume, girly things, pedicures, expensive hairdressers… if I want it – - I almost cannot stop myself – - I get it.
I think it stems from thinking about the whores that the piece of s*** was giving my money to, and spending his days trolling for prostitutes – - all the while I slaved and saved year after year completely oblivious.
My closets are bulging. Friends say that it isn’t unhealthy. I suppose they are right, there are worse things that I could do out of grief. I should be mad as a hatter, or lying in the gutter with a needle poking out of my arm, or six-feet under…
I just wanted to share my reaction and am wondering if anyone else has had the same experience.
Also, one thing that strikes me over and over as I read these types of blogs is how similar the sex addicts are. It is like they are one man. It is like they are identical twins in terms of personality (not appearance obviously). I read stories of what these sickos have done to other women and I catch myself thinking “I could have written this.” It happens over and over. There has got to be something to this.
Here’s my opinion. It has got to be a genetic defect since these men are SO similar. They are missing the ability to connect with another human. To get their needs met, they then become skilled “actors” mimicing human behavior. This mimicry takes a form that could be rubber stamped sex addict to sex addict.
My main emotion is anger. I have found that anger in a woman is very unwelcome. Even the “codie” sites, who you think should welcome anger seem repulsed by it.
I have even thought of starting my own rebel site where the wild women can go to scream and seethe. Instead of the rules maintain a “Mr. Rogers” emotional state as on the codie boards, “Oh, you found out your husband of 40-years was into child pornography, well lets first release our problems to a higher power…” No, none of that, in fact I would have “Rules” too. Like “No BS!” and “Call it like you see it” and “Woman up!”
You see I have a bit of resentment for the “codie rules” to “always be passive and vanilla and touchy-feelie.”
We need a place to express the reality of this experience. It is no less a rape of one’s life than a physical rape would be. These men are criminals who need to wear orange jumpsuits for the rest of their days. Think about it, if they lied like this about money to a company they would be convicted of theft. If they harmed a women physicially as much as they have mentally (and often physically through STDs) they would be locked up.
These men are criminals. Nothing more. They do not deserve to sit around in circles in church basements. They deserve to sit around in a small cell. They do not deserve the chance break down and “relapse” – - as 95% will! They deserve to be kept occupied so that they are not even tempted – - kept occupied on a chain gang breaking rocks!
hey anon, haven’t heard from you in a long time-awesome post!
I don’t have time to write a long message… but for those victims out there suffering, I want to share what I found last week after 8 months of fruitless searching…
saferelationships.com
I have described finding this information as the experience of someone with a terminal illness that all the medical specialists cannot identify or cure and have given up on – - then after months and months of searching, stumbling upon a clinical trial where they tell you, “Yes, we are seeing people just like you. We know exactly what is going on. This is what we do. Come on in.”
Just one quick description of the e-book I ordered off this site: It profiles the men with personality disorders such that they do not experience other humans as as real as they are, regardless of whether they fit a DSM diagnosis criteria. These are “men of inetivatable harm.”
Nothing new in profiling these predators. However, this book profiled the WOMEN involved with them. I have NEVER found this information ANYWHERE!
And guess what? These women do have a profile (I cried in recognition as I read it). And guess what? These women do not fit the definition of “codependent” personality traits.
It is SO refreshing to hear someone even address science and reality, as if that actually matters – - after suffering the mumbo-jumbo new-age faith-based pap on all the victim-of-sex-addicts sites!
If you are a like-minded women, check it out.
I will try to write more later…