All the stages of grief, all the time & it does get easier

Well, the last year has taken me through all the stages of grief.  Every hour of pretty much everyday.  I have been obsessed with his sex addiction.  I’ve tried to piece together every moment of our relationship – still not understanding how the person I thought was happy was really entranced in addiction.

I guess a part of me currently lives in denial.  I still can’t emotionally believe 100% that he had the affair, that he was addicted to porn and cybersexed and tried to meet any person he could. Logically – and the all of the evidence supports the fact that he did.  Sometimes, still,  I am overwhelmed with panic.  

 

I do not trust my intuition – I’ve even done drive-bys in his group after feeling panicked that he’s still lying and that he’s not there.  Only to find his car in the church parking lot.  I’m unclear whether I am paranoid, suffering from post traumatic stress disorder or if there is something I haven’t looked at yet and someone is trying to tell me something.

 I did go away for the weekend with a group of friends a few weeks ago and Bob had a bad weekend.  He said he didn’t act out, but that he really wanted to since he wasn’t being policed at all.  However, when I got back on the sunday and we had sex nothing came out (like when he was acting out) so I don’t know what to believe.

It worried me because he has flexible hours at work and he travels a lot for business.  Where he’s not policed.  He calls me all the time, pocket calls me so I know when he’s out with workmates, but no matter what he does, what he says I still remember how he cried and begged me to be with him after I found text messages (before I knew about the addiction/affair) and how he swore on his daughter’s life, looked me in the eye and said he never met any of them.  Meanwhile…3 days later he called Lisa and said they needed to go on the downlow.  A week later I traveled with him for business and we had the honeymoon – all the time he was text messaging, emailing and talking to Lisa.  While I layed there like a fool.

He is an exceptional liar.  He deserves a trophy for his acting.  I am not the most trusting person to begin with…and yet he certainly pulled the proverbial wool.

Anyway, he is trying and the state of his current emotional state may show me that he isn`t acting out, but actually feeling.  When he was acting out he seemed happy or at best even-keeled.  Which bothers me too.  Now he“s a mess. 

We`re trying to be together.  It`s hard.  I am angry still and I don`t want to be close to him – to ever feel the way I did a year ago and this past year.  I do enjoy his company and I do still love him, but sometimes I wonder if it woud be better if he did act out.  I could pack my bags and never wonder any more, never have to give someone another chance – but, as everyone says you`ll repeat your own pattern unless you understand it.  So, I`m here until someone taps me on the shoulder and says it`s time or if there is some way I can ever truly believe him and we can feel calm.

Who knows.  I will be seeing a shrink.  We`ll see where that leads…

Also…I used to think about his addiction pretty much 24 7 – with sleepless nights now it`s down to about an hour a day – usually on my commute, stuck in traffic.

I do think I`ll always wonder if i know the whole truth:(