My boyfriend is a sex addict. We’ve been together almost 3 years .
He had an affair for 13 months almost out of the gate of dating me. He’s addicted to (or admitted to) pornography, masterbation, cybersex and he met Lisa a hairdresser and master cybersexer from Buffalo in a hotel in Canada once a month for sex.
Lisa is obviously a sex addict too. Driving across the border, leaving your 2 kids and husband behind, to have sex with a man you found in a sex chatroom? Risk???
I thought our relationship was a good one. We laugh, he treats me with respect, looks after me and I look after him – I really thought he was the one. Till I found condoms, and that he had paid for porn and text messages and cybersex names, emails, etc. then my world came crashing down – who is this guy?
Since I started this blog and journey in June / July 2008 I’ve learned a few things and they are:
- This addiction has nothing to do with me but affects me
- The lies and the secrets are by far the worst part of this addiction
- I am unsure if I can stay or if I should go
- The addiction is not about sex itself, it’s about escaping from feelings in a fantasy world
- I’m unclear if I am co-dependent
- I feel alone in all of this
So me…my vitals…38, never been married, no kids, great family, great friends – a career person who wants to find love and have a normal relationship. I love sex and although Bob had some performance issues – we did have sex about 3 times a week. (I think I’m more advnterous sexually than him – proving the point that you can be a sex guru and addicts will still do this.) I have 4 degrees and none in psychology. I’ve lived with 2 other guys (not at the same time…lol), had a few 5 year relationships. I tell people it was my career that prevented me from marrying but the truth is I didn’t really want to marry anyone until I met “Bob.” Bob’s not his real name. I am not afriad of being alone or being single. I spent nearly 5 years before Bob dating and living alone. Apparently in some way shape or form – even though I feel I grew up with exceptional parents – I attract a certain type of person. Even though I do my damndest to find someone completely different every time. I will be exploring this.
I am currently seeing a therapist for my own issues – still clueless to what they are (apart from self body image – I have an eating disorder that I haven’t acted out on in more than 10 years. But I still have the thoughts.) I would go to COSA, but there isn’t one within 200 kms. Bob and I are going to go to RCA (recovering couples anon). He sees a counsellor, but we’re still looking for a sex addiction therapist. He goes to Sex and Love Addicts Anon (SLAA) which he enjoys (he’s surprised).
From a religious point of view and I’m afraid of blaspheming here…I’m Anglican and I do pray every night, but I do not attend church. You’ll not hear any religious rants here.
My favorite color is brown.
So this blog is my struggle to come to terms with Bob’s addiction, my own issues (which I need to identify first) and to see if we can ever be a real couple with real intimacy.
So after waiting all of these years to find “the one” – I find out “the one” has a lot of issues. Apparently, maybe I do too. Can I seperate Little Porn Bob from the Bob that is attentive and kind? Can therapy and 12-step programs help? How much can I read about sex addiction? Will I ever understand? I know I can’t empathicize?
My goals and dreams are simple: I want to come home to someone and curl up on the couch on a cold winters day and laugh and discuss the latest politics. I want a child of my own and I want to happy and safe. I thought Bob was it – can we get through this? can he change his thoughts? Can I ever trust him again? Can he remain faithful? What else has he done? What is in the cards for us? Is it harder to stay then to walk away? If I leave will I feel guilty? Does he love me? Do I love him?….questions, questions, questions…
I remain anonymous (which I can’t spell) so that I can be honest here and so that my career doesn’t swoosh away. I do like hearing from others in similar situations and my email address is below if you don’t feel like commenting. I’ve learned a lot from commenters and emailers alike.
For more detailed, boring and long winded information about me please read this post: About Me
Also, the beginning of this blog started July 9, 2008 – the best way to get there is to scroll down on the left hand side and put the calendar back – the days lit up in blue are posts.
MY OLDER BRO (55) CAME OUT AS A PRACTICING SEX ADDICT OF 19 YRS (IN HIS 30 YR MARRIAGE) LAST YAR. WAS THE GOLDEN HAIR BOY. FEELS TO ME LKE HE STRIVES TO GET BACK IN THAT ROLE EVEN IF IT MEANS WE ARE ALL ONE DOWN FROM HIM. I FEEL HATRED FOR WHAT HE DID TO HIS WIFE WHO DOES NOT DESERVE THIS. SHE RECENTLY GOT DX’ED WITH CIRRHOSIS AND DENIES KNOWING A CAUSE–THIS WILL PROBABLY MEAN DEATH FOR HER. BECAUSE I AM NOW AWARE OF A LIFETIME OF LIES, AND HER STAING WITH HIM—WELL I CANT HELP BUT BELIEVE THAT HE GAVE HER HEPATITIS WHICH HAS PROGRESSED TO THIS. I FEEL A LOT OF SHAME THAT MY FAMILY IS HOW WE ARE–ALL ADDICTS, COMPULSIVELY ACTING OUT. TEH CLINICAL NFO YOU GIVE ABT CHARACTERISTICS OF SUCH FAMILIES SEMS RIGHT ON AND MIRORS OUR EXPERIENCE. THE PERPS (THEY CALL TEHM PARENTS) ARE OLD NARCISSISTS NOW AND WE PROTECT THEIR FEELINGS, PARTLY CUZ WE ALWAYS DID AND CUZ IT FEELS TOO HARD TO BE MEAN TO OLD, MISERABLE PEOPLE. THEY NEVR SAID SORRY AND ARE TOTALLY INVESTED IN KEEPING MIKE OAS TOP DOG. IF HE SUCCEEDS, THEY HAVEN’T DONE SO BAD, HUH? HE SAYS HE TOLD TEHM ABT THE ADDICTIONA ND THEAT HE STOLE ONE MILLION DOLLARS OF HE AND HIS WIFE’S MONEY TO DO IT, AND THEY STILL HAVE HIM IN CHARGE OF FAMILY FINANCES. I LIVE IN SEATT;E AS DOES MY DAU–MY FOO IS ALL IN THE MIDWEST. I HAVE TOLD MANY FRIENDS BUT WHAT A SURREAL SITUATION. I USED TO WONDER WHY HE STAYED UNHEALTHY AND SOFT THOUGH HE WAS ALWAYS JUST COMING HOM FROM THE GYM. HE EVEN KEPT HIS CIALIS AT WOK, WIFE ASKED BUT CHOSE TO ACEPT HIS LAME EXCUSE
I WOULD LIKE TH E SUPPORT OF EXCHANGING IDEAS, ETC TOO
Hi Nancy,
I hear a lot of anger here. We are angry and we are justified. Whether we have been betrayed by the acting out or the lies – the main hurt, at least for me, is the living of a double life and the person we thought they were – they aren’t.
I’m so sorry to hear about the illness. What a shock and if it is attributed to his acting out then it is even sadder. Has she been tested for Hepatitus?
You say that your family still think of him as top dog. Bob is the same – he grew-up taking care of his family. Even his Grandparents, because they were drunk all the time. Bob watches his Dad even now because he embarrases them at family functions. He is the stereotypical “hero” listed by Adult Children of Alcoholics (there’s a link under my Blogroll).
When Bob told his family – he only told them of the “affair” they gave him crap and it’s never been mentioned again. He told his Sister about the addiction and they haven’t talked since. Partly because he doesn’t want to leave my side and I won’t go over there now – I need time to be alone and I’m ashamed. His Sister is lovely, but she is an alcoholic and was married to a drug addict (she got out and is remarrying – a really nice guy).
Your sister-in-law…how long did she know? What types of things was your Brother doing? Looks like affairs if he used Cialis, but then maybe it was for masterbation. If she knew awhile ago, why did she stay?
Is your Brother still carrying on with his old ways – the addiction? Or since he’s come out has he tried to get better? Is he “off the sauce”?
It’s unfortunate that your Parents were/are the way they are. How has it affected you?
In Bob’s case he always sticks up for his parents too. Says they have grade 3 education, are immigrants, old school and did the best they could. They left him, his younger Brother and sister with the Grandparents at night (the parents worked nights). The Grandfather was violent and used to beat up Bob’s dad from a young age. Who does that? Bob says his parents didn’t have much money so they couldn’t afford a babysitter. Also that he thought they were trying to provide things they never had which is why they didn’t get a smaller place and could afford a babysitter. Bob watched his Grandfather hit his Grandma and learned to disassociate. His Grandma would also blame him for things she did, like spilling juice on the couch.
Bob always sticks up for his family – thinks they did no wrong, but did their best. I’m on a mission to teach him what normal is. He said his friend M had a normal childhood – becasue they had Sunday dinner and played board games.
Bob is a good Dad. I keep saying, “Would you allow that to happen to her” and he seems to really think about it…
I’m looking for books on what a normal family is – if you know of any, please let me know.
Also, the book “Contrary to Love” by Patrick Carnes is a good one. It’s written for social workers and therapists – I learned a lot here.
Nancy, thank you so much for your comments. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and the purpose of this blog is to illict comments from like-minded people so we can all learn from each other.
One of things I do want to say is that all of the research I have read shows that this sexual addiction is not about the sex – it’s only the outlet for feelings of pain, boredom, unworthiness and abandonment, etc. Sex is the way they escape or feel something. Like alcoholics turn to alcohol. However, this addiction is more painful to the betrayed becasue it attacks us on so many levels.
Have you talked to your Brother about your childhood, your Parents and this addiction? Do you think he’d be honest with you or do you think his armour would still be up? I’m trying to get Bob to meet once a week with his sister to discuss their lives and their addictions.
GIVE ON ON BOB. STOP ANALYZING HIS FAMILY AND START ANALYZING YOURSELF. I DONT WANT TO BE HARSH, BUT AFTER HAVING GONE THROUGH IT MYSELF. DON’T YOU THINK THAT IN THE END BOB MIGHT DITCH YOU FOR SOMEONE WHO IS LESS DAMAGED THAT HE LIKES BETTER SO THAT HE WON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS? HOW WILL YOU FEEL THEN? WHY MAKE AN INVESTMENT IN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING YOU CAN’T TRUST RIGHT NOW? DOES THAT DESERVE YOUR TIME? WHAT IF BOB CHANGES HIS MIND AND DECIDES HE’S NOT THAT SICK-PEOPLE WHO ARE AS SICK AS HE IS DO THINGS LIKE THAT. HE DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS OR WHAT HE IS CAPABLE OF. HOW CAN YOU BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHO THEY ARE?
You’re absolutely right.
I already posted elsewhere before I figured out everything about this site. I just want to say ‘thank you’. I’m crying as I type this. Your feelings mirror mine.
I am so new to this whole thing. I work with my boyfriend, and we haven’t been together that long, but it was one of those relationships that was instantly wonderful and comfortable and safe. I have been single for awhile, recently had moved from California to Seattle after I finished my degree. It was a big move – being away from my #1 support system:my family, was almost unbearable. I met “ROGER” at work, and he was fun and charming and unpretentious, which is a quality hard to find in the last few men I’d dated.
When I was 20 I got married to my high school sweetheart, and being very religious, we started obstaining from sex during our 11 month engagement. We wanted to do it “right.” So, it was surprising that early into our marriage, porn became a frequent visitor. Being a young, naive wife, I just wanted to make him happy, so I started to allow it more and more while we were laying in bed or having sex. Soon, when I would role over at night to give him a suggestive smile, he’s say, “I’m tired. Do you mind if I just jack off to porn instead?” I was floored, but like the brainwashed robot I was, I gave in. There I was, 6 inches away, hearing him cum to some annonymous crap on the TV. Needless to say, our marriage lasted 13 months, and the whole ordeal left me scarred and jaded.
I had full disclosure with ROGER about my issues with porn and my previous marriage. He always said he was never into that stuff.
One Sunday, we came home from church and he wanted to watch the Bears game online, while I did bills, etc in the other room. This was normal routine. Our”us” time on Sunday afternoons. Since Christmas is approaching, he had also mentioned that he would be doing some shopping for my gifts, and to warn him if I was coming in the room so I wouldn’t spoil the surprise. I am an awful snoop about surprises, and I told him to always clear the history before he turned it off, or I would know what I was getting. We repeated that conversation this same Sunday. I had never had the urge to search his history on his computer or mine, because there were no signs that he would ever look at that stuff in my presence. He admitted that he rarely masterbated “because he had me. What would be the point?”
Night comes, and I go to close down the house and get ready for bed. (I live alone, and he lives with roommates, so he spends 90% of his time at my place.) He left the computer on, and as the snoop I promised him I was, I checked the history. Amoung the websited for new shoes and vacation rentals were teenage porn sites where the breasts of women were so small, they wouldn’t need an A-cup. It was obvious that he was looking at women dressed as very underaged girls. Here’s the kicker: We both work in a 4th grade classroom for Boys and Girls Club. I have never suspected his fantasies to include any of our students, but the connection just made my skin crawl.
I called him on it, broke up with him, and threw him out of my house. He went on to explain that when he was growing up in Chicago, his uncle from Mexico lived in the basement and was the sole child care provider when he was younger, and used to make him look at porn mag’s with him. The abuse got so bad to where the uncle would bring home women so ROGER could watch them have sex in the middle of the day. Porn became a part of his everyday life as a child of 11 years old, even though he doesn’t know why.
It’s hard to wrap my head around this addiction, and why he is continuing this behavior. I don’t know how to feel about the betrayal- he brought this filth into my home and my life and our relationship – and I am doubting if I am strong enough to help him through this.
I am looking at all resources trying to find something that will give me answers, but since we have only been together 5 months, is it easier to just cut my losses and move on? Do addicts really change, or will it always be a serious of website nannies and meetings?
HI So New So Lost,
I’m sorry for your pain and thank you so much for sharing your story. I’d don’t have implicit answers for you. Have you read Untangling the Web? Or anything by Patrick Carnes, Jennifer Schneider or Robert Weiss? Those are good places to start.
Are there any COSA meetings near you for you? Are there any RCA groups? Is he interested in getting help? SLAA or S-ANON are good places to start.
Do addicts really change? IMHO an addict is always an addict, but they can choose to not act out, they can try and change their thought patterns as long as they want to – that’s the key. Understanding that it’s not logical and trying to figure out what is.
The meetings do help and “Bob” will be going to SLAA for likely a good few years if not for the rest of his life. He cannot guarantee me he won’t relapse, but he’s giving it his best – he has 6 months sobriety.
I’m not sure if website nannies are all they are cracked up to be – if there’s a will there’s a way. It’s changing the thoughts and the behaviors. Learning about porn for him at such a young age would mean that there is a lot of work to do.
You need to decide if you have the bandwidth to support him and know that there may be slips along the way. I have changed a lot these past 6 months and I am a different person. I really liked myself before and now I feel like the suspicious, angry person and can understand how “spinsters” live with 50 cats. It changes you dramatically.
That said, I wonder if there are co-dependency issues on your end and if this has happened twice then I wonder if attracting and being attracted to a type, whether knowingly or unknowingly, is something you may want to explore. One of the things to remember is if you don’t deal with this now then it may follow you into your next relationship. Maybe see a shrink and talk about you.
This is not something that goes away over night. I truly wish it was, but this is painful and making a list of why you love someone and why they hurt you and weighing it out may help.
Thanks again for sharing your story.
Betrayed
Betrayed,
I’m just wondering if you had received me note. It is not confidential but I sent it to your email address alternatively.
I have deleted my letter from my computer thinking ’someone woudl find it’, so I hope you’re able to locate it…..
Hi Betrayed –
I’ve been searching for answers that I know aren’t really there for months now. Finding your blog as been a light in the dark for me.
6 months ago I discovered my partner (of many years) was “talking” to another woman. She was a friend of his that he had developed feelings for. She shared his feelings and was clearly waiting in the wings for him to leave me. I always had a bad feeling about them, but didn’t want to believe that he was lying to me. Of course as the feeling nagged I started to do investigating and found more proof of what was going on than I would have liked. Sadly, even confronted with this “evidence” I couldn’t leave him. We cried together when I approached him. He begged, he promised to end things with her, we held each other and renewed our bond. Or so I thought.
Behind my back he continued to intrigue with her. I constantly found proof of her existence in his life. Gifts, cards, letters from her…. all of it so horrible. I wanted to vomit. I told him I needed a break. He had one month to make a choice. Her or me. A month later he crawled back to me. We got back together. The feeling of something “other” in our relationship wouldn’t go away. When I tried to talk to him about it he would become angry, hostile, evasive.
Later I discovered that not only was he intriguing with his female friend that I knew about, but also having an affair with his co-worker, a married woman, long distance internet romances, and numerous text messages from women. The floor fell out from beneath me.
After talking to my therapist I suggested to him that he might be a sex & love addict. He protested at first, but then admitted to feeling lost and suicidal. I left him, for both our own good. I wanted to help him but I was so crushed by his actions I had to take care of myself first.
He started attending SLAA meetings and with the support of his therapist achieved 50 meetings in 50 days. In some cases going to as many as three meetings a day. He has a sponsor now and is working step 2. I’m so very proud of him. Two months ago we decided to give our relationship another try. I love him so much, but I find that I’m still so ANGRY. On top of the anger I have so little trust to give him. When he checks his email, or his phone beeps with a text I feel my blood boil, and shivers run down my spine. He tells me nothing is happening, but how to do trust someone that was so good at lying in the past? How do you forgive? Move forward?
I can’t get comfortable! I still feel weird calling him my “boyfriend”. When he dresses up to go outside I wonder who he’s trying to impress. On top of all this we’re not having sex. The physical was so important in our relationship in the past. Now it’s just… gone. I’ve talked to him about this, and his only response is “if you want something you should instigate it.” Which I tried, but after awhile I don’t want to be the one to always try to get things going. Even when things do happen it’s not really sex. I feel like we’re stuck in the “making out” phase of our relationship.
I know it’s difficult for him. I do my best not to be triggering, but I also have needs! His lack of interest in me physically has made me feel repellent. I’ve started to gain weight. Ben & Jerry are now my emotional wing-men! I constantly have to ask myself why I’m still here. Why put myself through this? I’m still young! There are other fish in the sea!! Sadly, I seem to love this sucker fish.
Reading your blog helps me feel less alone. Thank you for that. I have no one to talk to that really understands what I’m going through. My therapist can give me advice and listen to me speak, but it feels different than talking to someone that’s actually feeling this.
thank you so much!