I’m moving out in a few weeks – and I’m, to be honest, still on the fence. I do love Bob and I’m not leaving because of his acting out. I’m leaving because I feel lonely when he’s beside me. He is a great guy overall, despite the addiction and the obvious pain he’s put me through, I don’t know if I’m making a mistake. What I think is, I’m not happy – so I’m going to try and find it.

When Bob first got caught, he said it was because I’ve gained weight. Not true. He was acting out when I was then, confident and at my best. It’s not personal at all – it’s taken me a long time to get here mentally. But it is true – it’s his low self esteem (looking for others to validate his existance – en masse), the addiction to not feel and since he respects me we cannot do the same thing he can with the “objects”. If these cybersexers only knew what was at the other end and what they thought of them…

I spent over a year making sure Bob was ok – feeling sorry for his sorry childhood, trying to make sense of it all. Then one day I woke up and thought, what about me? I don’t want to feel lonely, I don’t want to always wonder, I don’t want to cry any more, have my heart palpitate if doesn’t answer the phone, have his family rule my life and more…

Bob hasn’t acted out since he was caught. He’s completely celibate – or acting in. We have a less intimate relationship than ever. I think the last time we were sexually intimate was Feb. I wasn’t looking for a roomate when we hooked up.

Anyway, I ramble…do you have a good network of friends? Counselling? I really like Weiss books better than Carnes – same with Jennifer SChneider. Funny thing is, is as I’m moving out there are about 20 books that I’ve read – it dawned on me that he has read none. Like my counsellor said, if you go to weight watchers and don’t do the work…he’s the same with his 12 step program.

I have to admit I love the hammer Good for you!

All the best,
C

I snooped again just a couple of weeks ago and saw the emails and old chat logs. When I confronted him about it, he said he was scouting women for his brother. WTF? Like your brother is going to want to date a woman that you masturbated in front of? What hurt the most is that he still lied to me after I asked him about it.

As the saying goes…fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It hurts so much I don’t think I can love him anymore. I certainly can’t trust him like a wife should a husband. Just know that you are not alone.

Most of the traffic I get on this website is from people wondering if they are addicted to masterbation.

If you think you’re addicted there is a sex addict quiz in the navigation of this site. Highlights (or lowlights) of the addiction is that you do it to stop feeling – for example if you are feeling sad you may “jack off” to feel better. Also, that it gets in the way of your life.

However, yours is a different question. I am no Doctor but I highly doubt that anything affects the growth of your penis. I can also tell you that size doesn’t matter anyway – it’s how you make someone feel.

All the best,
Betrayed

We are looking for people who would like to participate in a documentary on love addiction.

If you are addicted to love, love becomes more of a struggle than something great and joyful.

Love addiction can rule your life in a destructive way. As someone addicted to love, you ignore your own boundaries and needs, and your attempts to loving someone are seldom returned. Love addiction can lead to obsessive thinking, anxiety, despair and loneliness.

With this film we would like to tell the world around us more about love addiction and help people understand. We hope you would like to help with your insights and experiences. There are many types and stages of love addiction, and we are interested in hearing about any one of them.

We will be in the US in November and December 2009.

Learn more: http://www.loveaddictiondoc.com

Write us: loveaddiction@danishdocumentary.com

Warm regards

Elvira (research) and Pernille Rose (director)

Would that disrupt Bob’s life? He should count himself lucky that doesn’t have to wear a scarlet A on his forehead and have angry townspeople hurl rotten tomatoes at his ugly mug. Seriously, you might have to deal with the threat of cervical cancer someday in your future. Bob should frigging be able to deal with renting himself a studio apartment or a room in a rooming house.

I don’t mean to sound like a dog with a bone, but I am wondering if you ever glanced over the ebook I sent you about these pathological men (saferelationships.com)? I have no connection to this organization (I’m not some, “then I found Acai and have never felt better” marketing person). I just found answers there after a frustrating, fruitless, desperate 8-month search through intelligence-insulting, science-and-reality-dissing “codie” explanations of the experience of being the victim of a sex criminal (AKA sex addict).

You described being shocked to see the person looking back at you in the mirror. That is what a parasite does to its host. Is it logical to think that you could heal with the parasite sucking your blood?

Bob in his silent cold withdrawl sounds like a white knuckler to me (Please excuse me, as I have no place to make any judgements about you life – - except that you post it which must mean that you invite various commenters to give their interpretations of your descriptions of your experience.).

Remember 95% of these guys will re-offend. But, in my opinion, the sex acting-out is not the real issue. It is only the equivalent of a choice of weapon: machette, gun, club… (sex, drugs, violence, lying, neglect…) The underlying unchanging problem is that they are pathological.

No one is real to them. No one is as real as they are. They do not feel empathy.

I refer back to the post you wrote where you interviewed Bob and he admitted that he “does not feel.” You wrote about Bob’s description of mimicing the experience of grief in response to a death when he saw that those around him expected this behavior. He pretended to have feelings that he could not feel.

That is all that matters. You seem like a kind, smart, admirable, capable, good woman. I wish for you that there was a magical solution. I wish that what is so broken in him could be fixed.

Yes, we are all imperfect as part of the human condition. I could be completely off, but it sounds like Bob, based on the descripion presented, is a “man of inevitable harm.” I am so deeply sorry. I dearly wish that these broken men could be healed, but they are lost for this life – - what they do not have, was allready missing by early childhood and cannot be replaced. They can act out, or not act out, but they cannot be made whole.

Dealing with the reality of death is easier. The desperate wish, the vivid dreams, that you could go back in time, just to see and speak to your loved-one one last time. Still, the futile wish that the dead would live is less painful than knowing that he lives and yet his mind is broken.

After I found out that my partner of a decade was lying to me and living a double life from day one, at one point, my desperate tortured mind latched on to the idea that he MUST have a brain-tumor. That was the only thing that could make it all OK. It was the only thing that could set my world back on its axis.

How I wish he would have had a brain tumor. But of course he did not. He is evil. He is devoid. He is vacant. He was a mimic, and actor, pathological. He has a deep hatred of women that he never showed, but that was horrifyingly clear from his secret life. Hatred is as deep as the deepest sea, and as unseen as an uderground river running right beneath your feet while you stand seemingly on solid ground.

It has not gotten any easier. I still havent the slightest clue how to live in a world where the person I loved and trusted and thought I knew intimately made a sick joke out of me and everything I stand for and believe in. The panic attacks started, for the first time in my life, when he was unmasked. They haven’t stopped. Rx, therapy… yeah, but still no relief. I am clinging to life. I survive. Sometimes fighting. Sometimes hanging by my fingernails.

You are obviously a smart woman. Have you ever heard anyone suggest that they can heal these men – - an empathy transplant? Current psychiatry and psychology cannot even identify them – - one of their skills and thrills is playing the shrinks and counselors. Maybe religion might make this promise, and the 12-seps, but ask to see some statistics on their results…

Yeah you are broken. Why the hell wouldn’t you be. You are a host. Bob picked you, not in spite of your strength but because of it. The parasite looks for a robust host with attractive characteristics. They attach and suck and feed. The parasite looks for resources that he can feed on – - so it is logical that the host victim will feel a decline during the course of the attack in their emotional, physicial, mental, and spiritial health. Then down the road the hosts knees begin to buckle, weakness, foggy head… The host begins to become aware of all the cracks and fissures in what she thought was her decent life.

The host was hand picked by the parasite for her survival skills and she can, drag herself along, at a low level of existense for a long time… years just surviving. That’s not living. I am sure you have read the heartbreaking stories of women who find out they were living with a monster after 10 (me), 20, 30, 40 years….

If I have completely gotten the wrong impression about Bob I apologize, please don’t take offense. You and Bob are the only ones who can know the essense of your relationship.

But if he in fact cannot feel, then when you are ready, think about kicking him to the curb. Take his office and make it into a walk-in closet and fill it with shoes. Or serve as a foster home for a dog that is about to be euthanized at the pound and make Bob’s room the “doggy dorm.” Since you want to improve your physicial health, why not equip Bob’s corner of the home as a gym. Paint it a color you would love and that he would hate and hire a friendly cute guy to come over to help motivate you as a personal trainer.

Whatever you need… get rid of the albatross and you will eventually become lighter in every sense of the word.

You have been “bitching and nagging at Bob” – - WTF? Well, I wonder why! Um, he lied and lied and f’ed around with sluts. HE needs to address the damage he has done to your relationship. HE needs to be a strong adult and take full responsibility for HIS actions and do everything in his power to make you feel safe… As you have described him he is doing none of the reaching-out and stepping-up and opening-up that he would need to to have a chance at saving your “relationship.”

My interpretation of your description of Bob is that he is simply incapable. Based on your description I think YOU think you have a relationship, but I think he is just a pathological parasite doing what is best for Bob – - I don’t think he will ever have an actual relationship with anyone. He didn’t even feel grief when someone “close” to him died. Imagine that he didn’t feel grief if you had died. You DESERVE to be in a real relationship with an actual person – - not a man-mimic.

So you have “rejection issues and a whole lot of other issues. ” 1. Why the hell wouldn’t you after the shitstorm you have survived at Bob’s hands? 2. Welcome to humanity. There is a HUGE difference between your neurosis and my neurosis and A PERSON WHO FEELS NO EMPATHY AND DOES NOT EXPERIENCE OTHER HUMANS AS REAL AS HE IS.

I hope you get a good therapist. Not some loser. A lot of them suck and a bad one is worse than nothing.

Get angry.

Foot meet ass. Ass meet curb. Buh Bye Bob.