Great to see you again! I’ll keep this blog going – I’ll have more time once I move I wonder how my crazy emotional rollercoaster will go…guess we’ll find out.

What’s new on your end?

C

I feel like I should automatically just walk away from him, but its easier said than done, and i hate admitting that. I think technology is the downfall of trust, its too easy to access, and the urges can easily be deleted.

I had already known that he was looking at porn at a steady clip because he was horrible at hiding it… changing his screen when I would come into the room, etc. Over a year ago he would use a separate user account on my computer (not password protected) and I had started to look at his Internet history. I told myself that he was a young, horny guy looking at porn and that it was normal (wrong!), although how often he was looking at it made me feel inferior and disgusting to him as a woman. I was trying to justify my actions by telling myself that I was just trying to find out what got him aroused so I could try to spice up our sex life. I am not a prude in any way and if he wanted something kinky, I was willing to try anything once. It didn’t work though. He was distant when we had sex and I knew he wasn’t there, with me, versus thinking about his online exploits. The chats and online cybersex relationships, however, I did not know about until hammer day. We had several discussions over the years about what constitutes cheating and I was very clear about 2 things: 1. if you are doing something that you wouldn’t do with your significant other standing right beside you, you shouldn’t be doing it and 2. occasional porn is normal and healthy – for both of us – but the second you start talking to real live people you have crossed into cheating. At that point, I was just concerned because he was frequently visiting the pages of certain women on YouTube and MySpace and I just wanted him to know that actually talking with these people (keep in mind he had no idea I’d been spying) was not okay. Little did I know he was chatting up a storm every single month of the 2 1/2 years we’d been together. I had seen a segment on the Today Show a few months ago on healthy relationships and the “experts” said that no healthy couple should have an account (email/chat/social network/etc.) that your partner didn’t have the log-in to. I mentioned this to (let’s call him) Tom that day and he didn’t say a word or flinch a muscle… deer in headlights. I had also asked him once, about a year ago, if he thought there was anything on his laptop that would make me dump him if I ever saw it. He couldn’t answer that, but did so in a manner that made it my fault. He tried to say that I’m hypersensitive and get upset easily. Ha! I’d already done my fair share of snooping on his computer (something I’m not proud of and the pre-Tom me would be mortified at my desperation) and had pointedly asked him several baited questions to see if/how easily he would lie to me. For example, “Have you ever sent cock shots of yourself to women online?” He looked me straight in the eye and the lies just rolled off his lips without effort. He even pretended to be disgusted by the thought, but his hard drive told a different story. Every time he told me a lie like this, a piece of me died and my codepency grew.

The break-up was strange. He had broken his leg playing football with some friends at a park. He called me and I rushed to meet the ambulance like the dutiful girlfriend I was. When they were wheeling him into the operating room, they handed me all of his belongings and I headed home with them to pack an overnight bag for the both of us. I was going to spend the night with him in the hospital. When I got home, I emptied out his backpack to make room for his deodorant, toothbrush, etc. and I found a packet of pictures that contained nude photos of him from a few years ago. It was the final straw. When he was awake and alert later on that night at the hospital I told him what I’d found and delivered an ultimatum. He had two choices in the morning: 1. Give me all of your online passwords now and pray that I will be understanding and open-minded about whatever I find or 2. Refuse to give them to me and we are over. In the morning he refused saying that if he gave me his passwords, our picket fence dream of happily ever after would be gone forever. He was right. I came home and hacked into his computer anyway and that’s when I found the chats and had hammer time. I packed up his belongings and told his parents (with many apologies) that he would be going back to their house whenever he was checked out of the hospital. I began packing and moving out his things the very next day and have removed anything that had anything to do with him. We have a dog, which complicates things, but I am so grateful that there are no children or shared assets to worry about.

So am I on the fence about ever letting him back into our home? No way in hell. And I don’t say that lightly or to be flip. He showed up at the house on Halloween – broken leg and all – to read me aloud 4 letters he had written to me to explain what he had done. He has been addicted to compulsive masturbation, porn and cybersex for over 7 years. It was a problem that existed before me and something he has struggled with intensely. He had made several attempts to stop after we met, but I go out of town for work on a semi-regularly basis and he just couldn’t stop it from happening. It was his cycle of self-loathing, and I get that. He was never physically involved with anyone else, and I believe that (plus I had the opportunity to look for the proof myself).

I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions over the last 2 weeks since this happened. I vacillate between mourning the love we had and the dreams we had and the life we shared versus being engulfed with anger about the way in which he stole that away from me. While our relationship wasn’t hot/sexual/passionate in any way, he was always amazingly physically affectionate. He always had to be touching me – hugging, kissing, snuggling – telling me I was beautiful and he loved me – has always opened doors and brought me home flowers for no reason at all every once in a while. He was my very best friend and we understood each other in a way that will forever be difficult to match with someone else. He was the love of my life and the first man I ever wanted to marry and have babies with (and I’m 34). Absent of this addiction, he was perfect.

So where does that leave me today? I am giving myself permission to be his friend. He is alone in this and even in my anger, I will support him in his efforts to get well. Just the amount of honesty he has shown lately has been a gift. He knows that when I ask him a question, he cannot falter… he has to give me the truth even if that truth is like a blow to my gut. I will not make excuses for his behavior and I am going to try (with the help of a certified SA therapist) not to blame myself and learn to let go of the obsessive behaviors (when did he last log-in to MySpace, what is he doing now, who is he talking to, who is this new female friend on Facebook, etc.). I will not be his girlfriend or engage with him romantically. I will be his friend. As of today, I am the only person he has ever told about his addiction and I can tell that he is so relieved to finally say it out loud to someone. He begins seeing a therapist on Tuesday and he actually said that he is really excited to start getting help for this. As for me, I found the hyphen key from his laptop on the patio a few days after the hammer and I’ve turned it into a necklace. I wear it to keep me strong and to hold on to that moment… to remember what it was that I found. It’s so easy to fall back into the rut. I can’t lie… there is a constant battle being waged inside me. I want the dream back. I want our life back. I want our future back. What I’ve come to realize is that it was all just a romanticized version of a harsh reality. I felt like shit. I hated myself. Sex was horrible. I was neurotic and suspicious… a prying, snooping, grossly insecure, getting-fatter-by-the-minute shadow of my former self. At the same time, he was leading a double life online. I have to stop believing in the fairy tale. The love was real, but the relationship was not. He is a not a bad person, but he was a horrifically bad boyfriend.

Back to you… and please keep in mind I am not a therapist and I only know what I have read on these pages. So with that being said…

GET OFF THE FENCE AND GET OUT NOW.

You are not his love. You are his warden. If he relapses, that is his problem to contend with, not yours. Lisa, in my opinion, was an unforgiveable act. I can’t remember where I read this… which book, which site… but it said that in order to recover you have to surrender first. Surrender it. Give it up. Let it go. Start at zero. The thing here is – I feel fairly sure I am not telling you anything you don’t already know. What I can tell you is that having Tom out of the house is a freedom that I had not anticipated. Not having to obsess about every moment, every woman on TV, every web site, wondering what that look on his face really means, if we’re going to have boring, unsatisfying sex… I just feel FREE. I accept now that all my obsessions were an attempt to save something that ultimately wasn’t worth saving. I stopped biting my fingernails and will go get a manicure for the first time in over a year. Why? Because I didn’t want to leave him alone in the house before because I was worried he’d get online. I stopped going to the gym for the same reason and I have the fat ass to prove it. I always tried to get groceries or go to Target at the crack of dawn when he was still asleep so he couldn’t get online without me around. Guess what? F*ck that. I’m done. You’re even going to have the added benefit of being someplace new, free of any shared memories. You’re going to be lonely at times, absolutely, but you said it yourself… the next year is going to be all about you… and you can’t get your head straight and focus on yourself with that much background noise. It just isn’t possible. Move forward with your plans and know that you’re doing what’s right for you. And it’s about time. Don’t doubt yourself. Not for a single minute.

FWIW,
B

I’m moving out in a few weeks – and I’m, to be honest, still on the fence. I do love Bob and I’m not leaving because of his acting out. I’m leaving because I feel lonely when he’s beside me. He is a great guy overall, despite the addiction and the obvious pain he’s put me through, I don’t know if I’m making a mistake. What I think is, I’m not happy – so I’m going to try and find it.

When Bob first got caught, he said it was because I’ve gained weight. Not true. He was acting out when I was then, confident and at my best. It’s not personal at all – it’s taken me a long time to get here mentally. But it is true – it’s his low self esteem (looking for others to validate his existance – en masse), the addiction to not feel and since he respects me we cannot do the same thing he can with the “objects”. If these cybersexers only knew what was at the other end and what they thought of them…

I spent over a year making sure Bob was ok – feeling sorry for his sorry childhood, trying to make sense of it all. Then one day I woke up and thought, what about me? I don’t want to feel lonely, I don’t want to always wonder, I don’t want to cry any more, have my heart palpitate if doesn’t answer the phone, have his family rule my life and more…

Bob hasn’t acted out since he was caught. He’s completely celibate – or acting in. We have a less intimate relationship than ever. I think the last time we were sexually intimate was Feb. I wasn’t looking for a roomate when we hooked up.

Anyway, I ramble…do you have a good network of friends? Counselling? I really like Weiss books better than Carnes – same with Jennifer SChneider. Funny thing is, is as I’m moving out there are about 20 books that I’ve read – it dawned on me that he has read none. Like my counsellor said, if you go to weight watchers and don’t do the work…he’s the same with his 12 step program.

I have to admit I love the hammer Good for you!

All the best,
C

I snooped again just a couple of weeks ago and saw the emails and old chat logs. When I confronted him about it, he said he was scouting women for his brother. WTF? Like your brother is going to want to date a woman that you masturbated in front of? What hurt the most is that he still lied to me after I asked him about it.

As the saying goes…fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It hurts so much I don’t think I can love him anymore. I certainly can’t trust him like a wife should a husband. Just know that you are not alone.