Frequently Asked Questions – www. BetrayedbyCybersex.wordpress.com
Are you an expert on sex addiction? What are your qualifications? No, I am not an expert by any means. My BF is a sex addict and I am trying to understand sex addiction.
What is sex addiction? Sex addiction is defined by Patrick Carnes, PH.d as “Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one’s work environment.
Sexual addiction has been called sexual dependency and sexual compulsivity. By any name, it is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict’s life. Sexual addicts make sex a priority more important than family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the organizing principle of addict’s lives. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior.
No single behavior pattern defines sexual addiction. These behaviors, when they have taken control of addicts’ lives and become unmanageable, include: compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, child molesting, incest, rape and violence. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors.”
How do you know if you are a sex addict? Take the test http://www.sexhelp.com/addiction_tests.cfm
Is cybersex sex addiction? If it is controlling you – yes. If you are choosing cybersex over relationships. See the definition of sex above.
Where can I get help? Find a sex addiction counsellor (they MUST BE versed in sex addiction), go to Sex and love addict anon meeting or other sex addiction programs, read as much you can, get books (in our resources section).
How come you don’t discuss other means of sex addiction like prostitution addiction? I may touch on some of the other sexual addictions, but my experience is with a sex addict that is addicted to porn, cybersex, masterbation and he’s had one physical affair that I know about. I do not have the experience with other forms. I am hoping others will share their experiences.
Why are you doing this? I hurt and need an outlet, to educate and mostly to try to understand.
Do you make money from this blog? No. I could, but I don’t. This isn’t about money.
Can sex addiction be cured? I’m not an expert but from what I’ve read it is a lifelong process. The best way to move forward is to take control of the addiction instead of letting it control you, attend regular sex-anon groups and seek counselling. Sex addiction, like most addictions, seems to be mired in illogical thought processes and getting to the root and changing your thought patterns will help.
Why don’t you leave “Bob”? I haven’t decided one way or the other right now. I am not in the emotional position to make a decision. Plus, I do not know enough about sex addiction yet and I do love “Bob”. We’ll see what the future holds and see if Bob will continue to get the help he needs.
Why is this anonymous? Bob doesn’t want to be named and neither do I plus it makes it easier to be completely honest when your friends and family do not know it’s you.
Do you believe Bob? No. My trust is 0%. Do I want to? Yes. can we get the trust back? Unsure.
Should I leave X? I have no idea. A counsellor is the best start to figure it out.
What should I do if I think my spouse is a sex addict? Talk to a counsellor.
How did you find out Bob was a sex addict? I found lot’s of evidence. I snooped and played private detective. He admitted to some of it when caught (like porn on his credit card bill, webcam in his bag, skype accounts (when we didn’t skype), sexual text messages sent and received on his phone, condoms and lube in his trunk in the wheel well, his inability to have sex with me and many, many profile accounts on sites like Ashley Madison, Lavalife, Date, Cupid, AdultFriendFinder, etc. A slide show program on his phone called Nero – which he uploaded porn to. I Googled “cybersex addiction” and read, read, read…till I came across the sex addiction test and bought some of Patrick Carnes’ books.
What hurts the most? The lies, betrayals and the fact he lived a secret life for 3/4 of our relationship, the fact that I thought we had a great relationship only to find out that he wasn’t there. The fact that he would know a week in advance that he was meeting his affairee and would sleep with me, we’d play happy families and he knew that he was going to meet her…the fact that he desperately cybersexed with anyone who would listen. That this is a lifetime problem that can’t just go away. All of it.
How can I contact you? Leave a comment in the comments section of any post. Write “Private – Not to be Published” on it and I won’t publish it. While you can post anonymously I moderate (check all comments before they go live) all comments. Therefore if it’s private I won’t publish it. If you expect a response please give me an email address. I won’t respond by phone or any other method due to wanting to remain anon.
What are “possible related posts” on the bottom of your blog? WordPress automatically generates these posts as a way to drive traffic to and from other blogs. I have no control about what shows up there, unfortunately. i have clicked on some of the links and they are counter-productive. I have emailed wordpress to see if they can exclude them in light of the sensitive subject matter here. Some of the links could be triggers – so be careful what you click on! They are generated by keyword…therefore if someone else from wordpress blogs about his/her great experience with cybersex, etc. it may show up there. I hate it.
More to come…
